What a day - uff!!!

This will be labeled "STRUGGLING". Definitely "S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G".

I'm sitting on my couch very exhausted. My back hurts. I feel like crying, because we had such a difficult afternoon/evening, and I feel like everything I did was wrong. I'm praying that L. won't wake up too often this evening, so I can calm down and get some energy back.

Ok, what happened.

First of all, I'm annoyed because L. is sick AGAIN. Since September we've only had a couple of days without any running nose, coughing, ear infection, fevers. She got a running nose on Friday and last night the fever and bad mood started again. Of course the nights are very unquiet again too. Today would have been a daynanny day. I was looking forward to it (like always!). But nope, not for us. She hasn't gone there in a while, bc either L. was too sick to go or last week the daynanny cancelled bc she was sick. I HATE those decision, can I bring her or not - is the current type of running nose ok, or too infectious for the other kids? Will it be too exhausting for L. if I sent her with a cold? Am I the bad mother, if I sent her, even though I'm not working, but staying at home anyway? Those working mother's have a good excuse to send their kids as soon as the fever has gone. My only reason is, to have some private time to myself - is that a good enough reason? Especially after just having had a full daddy weekend. But this past daddy weekend - I worked through it (the doll, designing a flyer for a friend). It was kind of like real "working" back in the day, I forgot to eat, to drink, to take breaks... and I didn't take my afternoon naps that I usually take with L. So no wonder, I'm exhausted. Although I liked doing the things I did this weekend. But relaxing has a different quality. So yeah, I guess I was pissed that I couldn't get my day off today.

I tried to take it easy. We had a good day (including taking a shower together, baking xmas cookies, going for a walk) - until we got back from our walk.

L. and I have a disagreement on the stairs. This has been going on for a while. This used to be one of my major (and so far only) educational problems. Adding: I was proud of many other little situations, that I felt like being able to control and deal with in a really good matter. The problem is: We live on the second floor (actually 2.5 floors up) and it's not always possible to carry not-so-little-anymore L. up the stairs. Especially when I have one or two grocery bags with me, it just doesn't work anymore. So I tried to get her used to walking on her own - always, so she could learn it as a rule. I know she's capable of doing it, as during the summer she did it with pride. Now she's getting moody. On the first step she usually starts whining and let's herself fall down as if her legs would be wax (while I hold her hand) - "carry, carry". So what do I do? I talk to her in a very serious way, explaining, that I can't carry her, as I have heavy bags or whatever, she's a big girl, I need her to walk. That usually doesn't change anything. When this happens on a walk outside, and I feel like talking won't help anymore - I walk away from her a little bit, without looking back, so she gets a chance to realize that I'm being serious about continuing this walk and her behaviour isn't helping her. But the staircase is no place, where you leave a child to herself. I tried doing it, walked up one level - until she would call me back. It works most of the time. Yet I am soooo worried, that she will try to walk the stairs by herself, fall and get injured. So I know that's not a good solution. Still I want to teach her a rule for the stairs - as otherwise I'm going crazy. Whenever I thought she's too tired, I didn't want to force her to walk all the way up. Even for me it's exhausting walking up there sometimes, so a little girl who's not even half the size of me, might be overwhelmed. I didn't want to pressure her. Yet, I realized this makes it hard for me to establish a rule, as she probably doesn't understand, why I am carrying her up sometimes, and sometimes not. I haven't found a good solution yet. So I decided to take the backcarrier with me all the time, so I could start putting her in their again for walking up the stairs, just to avoid this stress for me (and her probably too) for a while - until I have new inspiration how to deal with this difficult situation.

Today I forgot to bring the backcarrier with me! Big drama on the staircase followed. I believe my neighbors think I'm a witch and a really aggressive bad mother, as I always get seriously loud in the hallway. It drives me crazy. I know this is one of these situations you always read about, when parents need to be consistent and children try extorting their will. So parents better know what they want/do, establish a rule and be patient and forceful. Why is my first really stressful education lesson taking place on the stairs - dammit?! I have no idea, what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, we somehow got up there.

But the bad news today was, that another couple of situations came up when we seriously disagreed. And I struggled with being straight in my behaviour - more or less, bc I was confused what would be the right thing to do. She kept throwing down toys today. I told her a couple of times that she should stop it, as they will break. She purposefully threw down a basket with little toys right in front of me... I got angry... and asked her to pick it up right now. She kept running away. I REALLY wanted to show her that her behaviour was wrong, so I brought her back to the scene. She kept running away - enjoying the game. Since I realized this wasn't teaching the lesson. I turned it into a game from my side: Hey, Lenara, what is this? She was proud to know what it was and put it back in the basket. Result: Toys back in the basket, BUT has she learned the lesson about not trowing toys? I don't think so. So I was frustrated - for the second time.

Next we were picking up the living room as part of our evening routine before having dinner together. Usually I tell her exactly what to do (pick up this and put it there), in order to give her orientation and clear tasks. In the end, of course I pick up most of the stuff, but it's important to me, that we are busy picking up things at the same time, so she learns it's a neccessary thing to do - and usually we both really enjoy it. Which is, why I continue doing it, bc I'm hoping picking up things will be a positive experience for her and won't turn into a problem, like I hear from many families. Today (my lucky day), she didn't listen. I could tell, she clearly understood would I was saying as she was looking at the specific toy, smiled back at me and walked into a different direction, starting to play with something else. I really got angry and told her we couldn't have dinner as long as the living room wasn't picked up (I know, pointing out consequences is a good means). She didn't care. Pointing out consequences didn't work. Or I picked a wrong consequence - I don't know. So I took her and placed her on the couch, telling her to sit, until I'm finished with picking up and vacuum cleaning (which I had wanted to do tonight anyway) - I know time-outs are supposed to work. Even though quite unsure, if it works for a 20-month-old. But I couldn't think of anything else. She kept sitting there. At least that. I felt stupid picking up her toys in front of her - as this was exactly what she wanted, I guess. I didn't pay attention to her - as I know, kids are trying to get attention with their bad behaviour and if you give it to them, even if it's bad energy also, they enjoy it and it enforces their bad behaviour, especially when they are smiling that knowing smile back at you like my girl did today. When I went into the bedroom to get out the vacuum cleaner, she got up and followed me - smiling, like we were going to play catch. With every smile I got more furious inside, trying to control myself and trying to keep my mind clear for some adequate educational measures. I brought her back on the couch and told her with a furiuos voice this time to sit until I tell her to get up. She sat, but she didn't seem impressed by my behaviour. I started vacuum cleaning - not paying attention to her. Then I also did the hall, bedroom and bathroom, as I really needed this "break" and gain some time to think of how to handle this situation better. After I had left the living room, I was almost positive she had left the couch right away - but what should I do? Go back and play her game? Not paying attention? Is she too small still to be left alone in a room for a couple of minutes? Are there any dangers? When I came back into the room, what did I see: L. had crawled on a chair and was eating the cookies that were left on the table. I had expected anything, but that. Of course, I yelled at her, but I was too tired to think of any more measurements. I just wanted to get this day over with - somehow peacefully. So I decided to also take down laundry, as I realized I needed more time (after the cookie incident) to calm down. MEANWHILE L. took all my shoes in the hall and "re-arranged" them, to say the least (she knows, she's not allowed to do that). So, my new goal was, this time I'm staying calm (hey, how much worse and more stressful can it get right now? I don't have anything to lose anymore today) and sitting with her as long is it takes until she puts the shoes back in order again. As I felt like I had failed to teach the right lesson during the incidents before, I got really ambitious to get at least one lesson through to her. So I made her sit down and held her tight, so she couldn't get up. Coincidentally she was facing away from me, which I thought was convenient, as I didn't have to face any smiles from her side. I told her, we could go have dinner as soon as she was ready to put back the shoes, as this was her mistake. When she said, she was ready the first time, she only got up and shyly played with the shoes. BUT not looking at me. First difference. I got the feeling she noticed that this wasn't a game anymore. I immediately made her sit back in the same place as before and held her tight again (I read this in a book, as really young infants don't understand all the explaining, they would understand it better, if they feel the force of the words on their body. This sounds weird, if I write it, those weren't the words the author used, I just have a hard time summarizing it in English. It's not about violence against kids - of course not! - but being physically stopped helps them to realize something is wrong and needs their attention, get it?). The second time she said she was ready, I noticed right away, that she was really willing to do it. And she did. My expectation wasn't that she would put them all in perfect order - I am considering her age - but I wanted to see her will to put them back somehow. Yeah, this somehow worked. Feeling relieved.

Afterwards we had a good, but very quiet dinner (no talking, laughing). I think we were both really really exhausted. Followed by the usual teeth brushing disagreement. But all her protest didn't help today, I just wanted to get it done and end the day. Of course, I felt sorry for her.

That is the problem. I feel like I feel sorry in the wrong places. I'm so insecure about how to handle the difficult situations right. All different kinds of advice pops up in my mind - and today I realized how controversial this is: Strictly pointing out the mistake and persisting on undoing it vs. not paying attention, when it's obvious that's all she's trying to get. And at the same time: If she's purposefully trying to get attention - even in this stressful way - am I not paying enough attention to her in general? Yet, I have been confronted with the critisicm of paying attention to her too much and focusing too much on her. Now what? I'm trying to get it right. I really am. But doesn't not-paying-attention in such a situation only aggravate the situation? I also heard that "ignoring" kids in any way is a crime. Is "not paying attention" the same as "ignoring"? Yelling would be a crime also they say. But how am I supposed to show my disapproval and get rid of my inner-tension/frustration in such a situation - if I don't want to get aggressive? Parents sometimes need a time-out too. And again: which of these measures are helpful for a 20-month-old?

Fact is, I'm really frustrated. I read 2 books about infant education that I approve of very much (one it stressing the gut feeling... which I like in theory, but "live" it's a whole different matter!!!). I felt like I'd be set up for such moments. I felt like I had a plan for the times when L. is starting to test her boundaries. But I didn't. And I finished one book about education last night (a recommendation of a friend - so I read it, even though I knew reading too many advice books will be confusing) - which I don't approve as I think he's to harsh and general with his negative views (Michael Winterhoff: Warum unsere Kinder Tyrannen werden, there's no English version of it). But that would be a whole nother post. But at the same time, today I realized that some parts of what he said influenced me and made me insecure. Which made me angry. Helpless. Stupid.

I know, I shouldn't be so strict with myself. I'm a beginner at this. And it's even harder, as I have to find my very own position since I don't have a partner to discuss this with or have someone who backs me up. Or is calming me down/reassuring me afterwards. Nobody except for me is witnessing those difficult sides of living with L. Everyone else just sees the happy, easy going child. Of course, because everybody else we meet is adoring her, giving her 100000000% attention, doing everything she wants. I'm the one who's responsible for teaching her the lessons, correcting and reflecting her, pointing out good from bad behaviour, for her growing up healthy. I'm the (only) one who has to compromise her own needs and her old life in order to bring up L. in a responsible good way - which in general I'm ok with, but today it makes me mad. There.

Am I responsible for my child having a cold all the time? I'm offering healthy food - is it my fault, that she won't it a lot of it? I'm putting warm clothes on her, always checking. We go outside every day. When she's sick I'm giving her the medicine accurately. Yet, it looks like the first cold hasn't really gone away, when the second one hits. Am I taking her to too many groups and activities? Is she stressed out (a psychosomatic cold)? Is there anything I'm doing wrong here? I know, some mother's tend to see it as their fault, if there's a problem, although it's just the way child-/motherhood goes. I don't want to be one of those Moms. But... aaaargh!

Here I am trying to give my best, but not knowing what that actually is in this case. (This stupid author left the impression, that parents' have no chance of getting it right anyway, and the child will take serious damage from it. Oh, how I hate to have read this stupid book).

Today wasn't the best day. I hope I'm growing into this, like I grew into everything else motherhood involved so far...