Single Mom Manifesto

Today I have this strong inner feeling to write this "manifesto". It's what I want single Moms and Dads to know - and what I need to keep in mind myself again and again.

 1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.

 2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.

 3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.

 4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.

 5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.

 6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.

 7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.

 8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!

9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.

10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.

And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))

Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!

Kindergarten Mädchen

I have a Kindergarten girl now. On Monday we went for the first time. I stayed the entire time. We had a rough bitchy morning before we went. I was quite nervous to "through" her in the new Kindergarten situation right after. She was all shy and attached to me, most of the time. But she seemed interested in everything. Wouldn't try things on her own though. I was a bit surprised and started worrying, if the transition would go as smooth as I had hoped.

The teacher asked me to bring her the next morning and leave right away. I should pick her up after lunch break. I remained friendly and calm - on the outside. I was quite a bit shocked on the inside. I thought we would take it more slowly and I would have a chance to make sure, L feels comfortable - and also I get to trust the teachers a bit more, before leaving her on her own.

In the evening I wasn't feeling well. I felt so unsure what to do. Trust the teacher about the method of "throwing her right out there on her own"? I see the advantages. As long as Mommy is there, there might not be a need to trust someone else or join the group. On the other hand, I was positive, L wouldn't let the teachers know when she needed to pee, felt uncomfortable or needed help with zipping her coat... She had barely talked a word on her first day! I was sooo confused. I really wanted to choose the responsible easiest way for her, but I didn't know what it was. Like many mothers, who have to let go their 3-year-olds... I cried big tears that night. I had planned to be that one cool responsible mother that knows exactly what to do and feel good about it. But I wasn't.

Since Lenara had clearly understood that she would go there on her own the next day - and didn't seem to be very nervous about it, I decided to go with the teacher's suggestion. God, I was thankful she didn't cry. I was almost about to cry while waving and heading back to the car. When I picked her up 2.5 hrs later, she seemed so proud. She walked by the teacher's hand and fit right in the group. She didn't even want to leave the ground and headed back toward the other children. Even though she also told me that she had cried a little in the beginning, but now she would like it. Wow.

You can tell, I was relieved. Today she didn't go, because we had a little accident last night (different story, L hurt herself in the back of her throat with a sharp platic thing - we went to see an emergency doctor, pharmacy and had a really horrible night, but now she seems fine again) - so today I wanted her to regain some energy. When I told her, she would't go to Kindergarten today, she said: But I do want to go, Mommy, why can't I?!

Very good. I'm looking forward to tomorrow... we'll stick to 2.5 hrs this week and extend the time next week. I'm sure American Moms will be laughing at me. It seems like all US Moms just through their kids in some daycare shortly after they have given birth and not worry as much (ok, ok, I know I'm being very general here, sorry). But I think it's true, that for many it's not such a big deal. Anyway...

Diaper free

For almost 2 weeks we've only been using diapers at night. It works so well. I think we've made it! ;))

Grateful

Today we sat down for lunch. We just had leftovers. Nothing special. Lenara didn't eat tons as usual, but looked at me and said: Thank you for cooking, Mommy.

You don't know how shocked I was! After all my efforts of getting meals together that she would like and eat in the past 2 years... WOW!

And probably since she liked my positive reaction, tonight she said: Thanks for making dinner, Mommy.

Have I mentioned yet, how much I love her?

We survived Fasching Hell

Wow! What an experience. Remember my last post about an intense moment (Being tolerant)? Well today "intense" is not even said enough. I'm still in shock and I'm surprised, my baby is sound asleep.

We went to our first Kinderfasching.

To be honest, I had already been wondering all day, if we should go or not. I knew it would be crowded and loud and I wasn't sure, if Lenara was old enough to handle it. Little did I know HOW crowded and how LOUD it was going to be.

I remembered my own Fasching-history. Fun. So I was all excited to take my little girl for the first time.



We came late, so we didn't have to pay the entrance fee. Yay! The event took place in a local gym. It was huge. And most of it in the dark. Only some flashing lights - very hard to adjust to. When we arrived they had some games going on (like kids wrapping each other in toilet paper). We tried to adjust to the crowd. We didn't know where to look. I had difficulties to get oriented myself. Lenara's eyes got wider and wider. Most people were dressed up - fairies, pirates, anything! Anything!!! Crazy! Criss-crossing through the gym. Some of them crashing into my calves. No kidding.

Suddenly I was faced with an older and fatter version of a Highschool friend. Last scene I recall of him, was him driving drunk and totally crashing his car over 10 years ago. Next thing I see, is him - the older fatter version of him - with a toddler on his shoulders, a 5-year-old princess encircling us and a "Native American" wife sitting next to him. What a picture. I can just imagine my puzzled face. Some awkward small talk and off we went into the crowd - partying.

Well, not exactly. They put on dancing music. Blasting! B-L-A-S-T-I-N-G. I was worried about going deaf. Even more worried about Lenara and all those toddlers, infants, pre-schoolers and elementary kids around. Did they forget this was supposed to be a children's event? What were they thinking?! I was terrified.

I looked around. The other Moms didn't seem to notice the volume. Most kids seemed to have fun. Something wrong with me? I watched Lenara carefully. Trying to figure out, how she was doing. I felt awful for taking her in this place. She didn't really show any reaction. She generally seemed interested in what was going on and trying to figure out what all those people were doing. Next, a girls' dancing group went on stage. I was about to cry, as it reminded me of my own childhood dances I put on. I don't think it would have touched me at all, if I hadn't been in a state of emotional alert at this point.

Now, what to do? I figured, if we'd go outside right away, before Lenara figured out what this was all about (meaning: meant to be fun), it would be even more confusing for her. So I made us stay and kept watching her reactions carefully. She seemed to get used to the environment. She wanted to be put down on the floor. Older kids almost ran over her. She didn't mind. Just looked. And looked. And looked.




She didn't join the dancing action. But something caught her attention in the back corner. She took my hand and dragged me to that spot. Older boys were involved in a pillow fight. Lenara watched them for a little while and then it seemed like she worked up all her courage, ran foward, stole one of the pillows and came back to me - all proud. What? All princesses, fairies and belly dancers were dancing on the other side of the gym - and all my little girl is interested in - a pillow fight!? How amusing is that?! I love her.

While my head didn't stop spinning and ringing and flashing, Lenara warmed up to the whole scene and even started dancing with all the older kids. Once again she totally surprised me with her reaction.



I couldn't believe it! Have you closely listened to that song? It's about Burger King, McDonald's & Co. "I want it. I need it." Are they serious?! Is that a new marketing strategy? At Kinderfasching? Again: I couldn't believe it! Times have changed. Obviously.

I asked my daughter several times, if we should leave. No reaction. Going with the crowd. After an hour in that crazy place, Lenara turned to me and said: "Mommy, Lala rather likes shopping." I was relieved and we left to go grocery shopping.

Cleaning our muddy shoes

I never clean my shoes. Meaning N-E-V-E-R. Less than I clean my windows or my oven or my car to give you an idea. As we have been wandering around in mud a lot lately, we couldn't help but clean our shoes. Lenara keeps putting her shoes on and off at home - which always spreads a lot of dirt and makes me angry every time she does it (like 10 times a day). So I told her (and myself!) that we'd have to clean them now. Surprisingly it turned out to be great fun! Each of us did her own shoes. She watched me doing it very closely and seriously she cleaned her own shoes perfectly. My not-even-2-year-old! I'm so proud. Of her. And myself. For cleaning our shoes. And the sparkling thought that I might never have to clean her shoes...

Involving the little ones in all task is the way to go - I'm more than convinced - once again!

Being tolerant

I just had one of the most intense motherhood moments this afternoon. I'm afraid, not in a good way. And not related to Lenara (that's the good part about it). Being a mother in fact not only means having a child, trying to be the best mother you can be and trying to handle all the new challenges this brings to your own life (marriage, grandparents, work, money, free time... and and and). That's one part - for sure. But there's another part, which sometimes leads me into a deep inner-conflict. Namely:

Interacting with other Moms.

Last summer when I was talking to one of my friends, who is not a mother, I said something that provoked a lot of irritation and incomprehension on the opposing side of the table. Without thinking much about it, I stated something like: "It's hard to be friends with people who have a completely different understanding or philosophy of the way they raise their children. So in the end you tend to be friends with parents who share a common philosophy. Which might also cause an alienation to former friends." After her shocked reaction I got very confused and worried about myself. Ever since, once in a while this conversation crosses my mind and I ask myself: Am I too intolerant and judging people in a way I shouldn't?

Today I went for a walk with Lenara. We really had a good time - walking, jumping, singing, collecting wood for the bird mobile. Then we bumped into another mother with her daughter, who is about 9 months older than Lenara. We had introduced ourselves last summer as coincidentally we had bumped into each other a couple of times in a row. We hadn't seen them for months, so we were excited to see them again. We chatted for a while and the girls warmed up to one another - playing catch around us after a while. Very amusing to watch. And I - feeling socially isolated sometimes - was excited to bump into someone and realize - there actually are people nearby who are interested in us.

To make this story a bit shorter: the longer we talked the more I kept realizing that I don't agree with everything she said and that slowly the feeling of being annoyed started predominating the original feeling of being excited. But the longer we talked, the more the girls enjoyed each other. Which ended in the other Mom inviting us over to their house - which we were basically standing in front of. The feeling of being thrilled about someone spontaneously inviting us over predominated the feeling of being annoyed for a second. In we went.

Lenara was all excited about the other girls' many many toys. The huge problem was, that as soon as we were inside, the other girl turned from friendly to possesive and refused to share her toys. She took away every toy Lenara touched. She wanted to sit on the chair Lenara was sitting on and so on. I know it's a phase the little ones go through figuring out "mine & your's" - alright. This was the first time, Lenara (and I) were faced with such a strong reaction (including screaming, crying, pushing, throwing things).

First I felt sorry for Lenara, who got more insecure with every minute. Usually she gets scared when other children cry (Lenara herself never really cries unless she's in pain). This time she just seemed very puzzled and thinking about what she had done wrong. I tried to back her up by telling her that she had done nothing wrong and next time we would have to ask her friend, if we could use this or that toy and find an agreement. But the other girl was taken away by her emotions. And it's not like I can't understand. If my Mom would bring home a friend I hardly know with her daughter, who both mothers are complimenting overwhelmingly and she'd be taking my car or using my computer without my permission, I'd be furious too. Even more when my Mom was telling me, I would be the one who's wrong.

Anyway, I tried to think of a way to calm the situation down. From experience talking, being precise and pointing out options has always helped so far. I know I could have explained Lenara easily that she should take another toy, because her friend was having difficulties with sharing right now. Or I suggested that they take turns. Or play together. Or she should show Lenara how to use this or that. Or that the other girl should pick one toy that Lenara could play with, so she could keep control for now and slowly adjust to a common playing environment. As much as I agree the older girl has to learn sharing, I think it's important that Lenara starts learning that she can't just take things, but she has to ask and realize not everyone is willing to share all the time. Dealing with disappointment and frustration is part of life and she'll have to get used to handling it. The best I can do is to chaperon this process instead of avoiding it or solving it for her. Either we would have found a good solution for everyone, or if nothing would have helped, we would have left in order not to over-extend the kids' capacity of taking such an emotional emergency and we could have come back another time. Probably the other girl would have been disappointed then (as I know she likes to have friends over), and maybe have learnt the lesson: not sharing = not playing together. Just to give you an idea about the way I judged the situation.

But the other mother kept yelling at her girl. At a volume that left a ring in my ear. Ignoring all my ways of trying to negotiate with the girl, giving her attention and serving as a mediator leaving the problem on the girls' level. Instead the mother told her daughter she would be evil, she wouldn't want her as a daughter like that, she wouldn't recognize her, she would be the older one and expected to share with the baby (don't you call my girl baby!) and her (the Mom) would be crying, if she didn't give Lenara the toy (what? It might have helped to stick to the truth - Lenara was sad, she was the one close to crying). Then again she switched to hugging and kissing her, asking her to be a good girl. Right before sending her off to her room for such misbehaviour and crying. How confusing, painful and emberassing that must be!

I just realize how hard this is to explain while I'm writing it down. Does it make any sense?

The other Mom I guess was emberassed of her daughter's behaviour, trying to teach a lesson and trying to protect Lenara. She only involved herself and her daughter in the conflict, without giving us a chance to interact and solve the problem among the 4 of us - whereas it actually should have remained a problem between the two girls. But as she was ignoring Lenara's reaction and everything I suggested, she simply avoided a real solution in my eyes. This was leading nowhere.

Plus, I felt treated disrespectfully myself by being ignored - as an individual and as my role as Lenara's mother. In my eyes we as parents should teach the children how to handle those situations in a good way. How to handle those intense emotions - that are just part of growing up. All she did was accusing her daughter in front of us in a way that I thought was inappropriate - using words that I thought are inappropriate.

I know I'm very sensitive (maybe over-sensitive) about this issue after having heard so much about the results of such behaviour at the psychotherapy hospital and having read psychological books (which include some of the phrases she used in the exact same words).

So I found myself in a really bad situation: in a room full of bad energy, trying to protect Lenara, trying to protect the other girl, trying to find a solution, trying not to accuse the other mother, wishing Lenara wouldn't have to witness all of that, feeling insecure myself about this kind of situation, trying to be polite to the host, trying not to judge.

Trying to be tolerant.

When we got home, my hands were shaking. That's how intense this experience was. I know it's not my right to judge or interfere in the way someone raises their child (why not acutally? Bc in our culture raping someone physically is condemned, but raping someone with words is not?). I know there are reasons for this mother to act this way. I know she has a different cultural background and has had some hard parts in her life (who hasn't though?!). Also I do not know the history of their mother-daughter-conflict. I know she loves her child and only wants the best for her. I know my solutions are not always the best either. I haven't had this problem with my own daugther yet, who knows how I would or will react then. I know I'm not a perfect mother either. I know I can't prevent Lenara from witnessing such scenes. I know.

Yet, it's my choice not to spend an afternoon with them again.

q.e.d.

Love both

When we got home after the Christmas festivities at my parents', first thing Lenara took out Maruun (the new doll) and went to get her favorite doll Annabel. She hugged both of them dearly at the same time and said "love both" - as if she was introducing them to one another and reassuring those two babies that she loves both of them the same way.

Maybe I should add, she hasn't used the word "love" many times before. She has only said it twice after I told her I love her, she had said "love, too" (soooo special).

Recently I sometimes think about, if it's possible to love another baby as much as I love Lenara. I can't imagine that it's possible - bc she's the best. Yet, I know it must be possible somehow. It's like Lenara wanted to show me, how it works... amazing scene.

You are my sweet little teacher, Lenara! I adore you!

All I want for Christmas...

Lastnight, the scariest thing happened. I can't stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and also, how grateful that I am for the way things turned out. I can't not look away for a second. My little girl could've been badly injured, but she wasn't. We went to some friends' house in the Washington DC area. They had some toys out and I sat in front of the fireplace, just so Olivia didn't fall on the mesh wiring in front of the fireplace. The fireplace wasn't turned on (it was gas). As we were playing and talking and Olviia was playing, the husband turned on the fireplace and didn't say anything. It caught Olivia's eye and she went to touch it. Instead, something scared her and she only touched the guard. She was startled because she got burned on her hands and nose just a tiny bit. I mean, I don't know how it could have been so small. Olivia cried and we examined her. I got upset but tried not to direct at anyone. I was upset that Olivia was in David's line of vision when it happened. I was super upset at the idiotic thought that someone had to turn on the fireplace with a toddler around, AND not say anything. But mostly, I am/was upset at myself for not protecting my daughter.


David ran out right after the burn happened. He procured two items and a lollipop, which Olivia's little burned hand clenched so tight that I didn't know how I was going to get her to stop eating the giant lolly. But, I was so glad she was holding it and didn't seem to bother her.

It happened so fast. It was like one of those small little gaps in time that I just let my guard down for a second. Olivia cried and cried, mostly because we were so scared, I think. Also, I know how the smallest burns hurt and keep hurting when the coldness wears off, and then hurts again when something touches the fragile skin. My poor little baby's fragile skin. Olivia's fingertips have little lines on them. Her nose has a blister. David ran to the pharmacy to get some burn cream. We walked with Olivia out in the hallway of the apartment building just to get away from the scene of the crime. I got a couple of laughs from Olivia and that calmed my heart. David showed up and began an intense game of peek-a-boo, and Olivia giggled, which made my heart calm. I was so upset. So upset, like I didn't even want to be there anymore. I didn't want to go in and have dinner that they made (ya, I'm kinda an asshole) because I was only wanting to yell about their stupidity. When, it was my fault. I am the one responsible for my daughter, despite who else is around and despite what anyone else does.

Olivia has been doing so many new things lately. She wants to communicate so much. Our hands get guided and pulled on and pushed if she wants something. She waves our hands for us if she is too shy. And, she pushes our faces in the direction that she wants us to turn. Let me just restate, I was soooo upset. I was livid and tried to keep things in perspective. I know that everyone got to the "everything is okay" status faster than I did. David and I were out in the hall and all Olivia wanted was for us to kiss. She kept pushing our faces together and smiling, then laughing. How could we resist? I couldn't! We kissed and made up. We said some things that were kind of snappy toward each other but we did get a good lesson in "Mom, I'm fine, Dad, I'm fine"...relax, but not too much (when Olivia is around fire)!

So, I got all I wanted for Christmas. I do believe in miracles.