Single Mom Manifesto

Today I have this strong inner feeling to write this "manifesto". It's what I want single Moms and Dads to know - and what I need to keep in mind myself again and again.

 1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.

 2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.

 3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.

 4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.

 5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.

 6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.

 7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.

 8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!

9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.

10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.

And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))

Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!

A thingy type of day

I felted a soap for my friend. It took forever. Not the right technique yet....

But I love the result. It looks like a stone now.

I was looking for a gift for my grandma. 

Yet, I ended up running into so many lovable things for myself....

Namely... a wallet....

A felt bag for my felting wool...

This we borrowed from Kindergarten... love Elsa Beskow books!!!

This sparkly bracelette was found at the dollar store next door...

Last but not least... a super cute frame (for 3 Euros on sale!).

And a super cute, super huge emaille mug.

Seriously, I never buy useless things for myself. 

For my daughter - sure. But for myself...

 I have no idea how this happened!

And I have no idea, why I don't feel guilty this time.

It's just one of these days... I guess.

Christmas Memories 2010

I have a bottle of wine next to me (I decided against a glass, in the end only one more item I have to clean)... some left over christmas cookies... simfy (simply red style) turned on the headset (hope I'll still hear Lenara if she wakes up)... way of celebrating my evenings (lately)... and enjoying those last christmas hours. It all passed so quickly. Weeks and weeks of preparing, waiting, celebrating advent... a couple of hours and it's all done.

We had a nice quiet Christmas Eve this year. In Germany, Christmas Eve is the main day of the festivities. The schedule of this day is the most special Christmas tradition to me. We went downtown Kirchheim in the morning as there are booths selling hot wine punch, where lots of people meet (that's why I go, not bc of the wine... really). Usually lots of old schoolmates are in town as they visit their families. I was looking forward to it, as lately I felt quite socially isolated. Unfortunately the weather had turned bad in the morning (snow storm), which I guess is the reason, why I didn't see many old friends. Or maybe they showed up later, but I couldn't stay much longer as (we were all wet by then) and it was nap time. But I did see three dear friends and talked a bit, which was great.

Then we went to pick up my grandma and drove to my parents house (20 mins). I was happy, we didn't have a long trip, as the snow was quite bad to drive through. Maybe you happened to hear some German news which reported about the unusual heavy snow and the traffic chaos all over Germany on Christmas Eve. I like getting that much snow. But this amount in such a short time was really unusual. On the other hand, if it hadn't hit that hard so suddenly, we wouldn't have had a white Christmas - everything was green and brown in the morning. Unfortunately my other grandma and grandpa couldn't come (bc of health issues and the weather conditions). We had a small lunch at my parents' and Lenara and I took a nap.

After that my brother also arrived and we dressed up to go to church. I have to admit we never go to church during the year (for different reasons, but this would be another post). But Christmas without mass is not Christmas to me. It was the first time for Lenara to join us, which made it special. I had taken her to a choir concert in a church just recently, which lasted over an hour and Lenara loved to listen and she sat still on my lap the entire time. I was wondering how it would work this time. She walked around the church in the beginning as we went early. She inspected everything: the nativity scene in the front, the huge christmas tree, people arriving. I took her on my lap when mass started. But after a while she got unquiet. An old woman (really old) sat next to me and I was worried that we would disturb her. But instead she encouraged me to put Lenara down and let her walk around. While my family on the other side gave me serious looks and told me to take her back on my lap. I didn't really know what to do to be honest. I didn't want to disturb anyone. At the same time I wanted it to be a good experience for Lenara, too, as this was also supposed to be a children's mass. The old woman reassured me I should let her walk around and explore, which really calmed me down. I don't know what it was about this woman, but I could have hugged her for assuring me I was doing the right thing. Lenara explored the church. She went down the aisle to the back of the church and found more children who she connected with. They played quietly (doing faces at each other or whatever). I couldn't really see her from my seat anymore at one point, which first made me nervous. I kept turning around (which probably was the most disturbing part about the whole scene). But then I told myself, there are families back there, so they will also have an eye on her (like I automatically have an eye on any child in my view), there's nothing really that could happen. She kept walking up and down the aisle and instead of seeing angry faces like I expected, I saw many many faces (old and young) smiling at my little girl and enjoying the spirit of this little blonde angel. Those delighted faces are one of my favorite memories.

Then we walked back home through the snow. The church is just down the street. Flo and Lenara read a book while waiting for the "Christkind" (christ child), while my parents lit up the tree and prepared the gift giving. Then Lenara and I waited for the bell while sitting on the stairs. Just like my brother and I back in the day. I sang a christmas song to her and for the first time she repeated the word "Christkind" - which was also a very special moment to me. She wasn't excited as me as she didn't know what to expect. But I could tell she felt my anticipation and she enjoyed it. Then the little bell rang.

I guess seeing a child catching sight of the christmas tree and all the gifts and the ceremonial atmosphere... can't be topped by many things. I was so happy I could have cried. One ornament on the tree (a heart) caught her attention and she tried to get it in her hands many times that night. I hadn't wrapped Maruun (the doll), so she was one of the first gifts she discovered. Seeing Lenara picking her up and holding her tight was another about-to-cry-moment. I liked that we didn't have a crazy amount of gifts. Lenara enjoyed unwrapping. She did it very carefully. I loved watching her little hands be so gentle. She loved all her gifts. But her favorite is a watercolor set. She took it everywhere and opened and closed it all the time, reorganizing the colors. This fact is special to me too, as this was a gift from an anonymous donor. We were invited to take part in a social programme (see pics and learn more about it here - GER) where the kids of low-income families could write down one wish, which was put on a Christmas tree in a store downtown and people willing to donor a gift could pick up the wishes. A couple of days before christmas I picked up this anonymous gift. The sight of this room full (!!!) of donored gifts for children almost made me cry as well - bc of all the love and generousity being present through the gifts and bc I realized we belong to the poor people around here right now, which makes me sad and usually I try to avoid thinking about it.

Another special and funny Christmas memory 2010: After dinner Lenara played another little while with her new gifts. Then I told her we should pick up the toys before going to bed. I asked her to put Maruun in bed (meaning, wrap her in a scarf like she found her). Lenara clearly seemed to understand. She turned around, whiped out the wooden (brand new!) nativity scene - Maria, Joseph, baby jesus, donkey, cow... woooosh! Not taking out one by one, but - WOOOOOSH! Then she placed Maruun in the little house and covered her with the scarf! I don't know how she came up with this idea. But she went forward with her action so straight and confident... it was hilarious. Later my Mom put all the figures in the lego building - our interim nativity scene. Why buy an expensive wooden one, if lego does the same job??! ;)

I think those will be the most special memories of this year's Christmas Eve.











P.S. There are more and better pics - but not on my camera. :(
P.P.S. I just got them...

Christmas - finally!!!

That pretty much says everything, I wanted to post today! Jen, I'm glad you had the idea of doing a blog together. By now it means so much to me. I'm so grateful for our families' friendship ACROSS THE MILES.

God bless you all.
LOVE,
From Kerstin & Lenara

All I want for Christmas...

Lastnight, the scariest thing happened. I can't stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and also, how grateful that I am for the way things turned out. I can't not look away for a second. My little girl could've been badly injured, but she wasn't. We went to some friends' house in the Washington DC area. They had some toys out and I sat in front of the fireplace, just so Olivia didn't fall on the mesh wiring in front of the fireplace. The fireplace wasn't turned on (it was gas). As we were playing and talking and Olviia was playing, the husband turned on the fireplace and didn't say anything. It caught Olivia's eye and she went to touch it. Instead, something scared her and she only touched the guard. She was startled because she got burned on her hands and nose just a tiny bit. I mean, I don't know how it could have been so small. Olivia cried and we examined her. I got upset but tried not to direct at anyone. I was upset that Olivia was in David's line of vision when it happened. I was super upset at the idiotic thought that someone had to turn on the fireplace with a toddler around, AND not say anything. But mostly, I am/was upset at myself for not protecting my daughter.


David ran out right after the burn happened. He procured two items and a lollipop, which Olivia's little burned hand clenched so tight that I didn't know how I was going to get her to stop eating the giant lolly. But, I was so glad she was holding it and didn't seem to bother her.

It happened so fast. It was like one of those small little gaps in time that I just let my guard down for a second. Olivia cried and cried, mostly because we were so scared, I think. Also, I know how the smallest burns hurt and keep hurting when the coldness wears off, and then hurts again when something touches the fragile skin. My poor little baby's fragile skin. Olivia's fingertips have little lines on them. Her nose has a blister. David ran to the pharmacy to get some burn cream. We walked with Olivia out in the hallway of the apartment building just to get away from the scene of the crime. I got a couple of laughs from Olivia and that calmed my heart. David showed up and began an intense game of peek-a-boo, and Olivia giggled, which made my heart calm. I was so upset. So upset, like I didn't even want to be there anymore. I didn't want to go in and have dinner that they made (ya, I'm kinda an asshole) because I was only wanting to yell about their stupidity. When, it was my fault. I am the one responsible for my daughter, despite who else is around and despite what anyone else does.

Olivia has been doing so many new things lately. She wants to communicate so much. Our hands get guided and pulled on and pushed if she wants something. She waves our hands for us if she is too shy. And, she pushes our faces in the direction that she wants us to turn. Let me just restate, I was soooo upset. I was livid and tried to keep things in perspective. I know that everyone got to the "everything is okay" status faster than I did. David and I were out in the hall and all Olivia wanted was for us to kiss. She kept pushing our faces together and smiling, then laughing. How could we resist? I couldn't! We kissed and made up. We said some things that were kind of snappy toward each other but we did get a good lesson in "Mom, I'm fine, Dad, I'm fine"...relax, but not too much (when Olivia is around fire)!

So, I got all I wanted for Christmas. I do believe in miracles.