Single Mom Manifesto

Today I have this strong inner feeling to write this "manifesto". It's what I want single Moms and Dads to know - and what I need to keep in mind myself again and again.

 1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.

 2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.

 3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.

 4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.

 5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.

 6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.

 7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.

 8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!

9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.

10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.

And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))

Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!

Kindergarten - Work - Schedule - Struggling

Wow, we tried to get up early today. Because eventually L will have to go from 7:45 am to 1:30 pm. So far we had extended our time from 8:45 to 1:30. Since we have only 3 more days before I start my new job, today we had to force ourselves to shoot for 7:45. I tried to wake up Lenara at 6:30. No reaction. I took her - half asleep - to the couch and used the inhaling machine on her (bad coughing going on). The medicine is supposed to make kids hyper, so I was hoping for her to wake up. We managed to be at the kindergarten trailer by 8. So almost on time! ;)

The problem is, our entire schedule is out of order right now. We get up earlier than before. We eat lunch 2 hours later than before (noon - 2pm). Sometimes we skip our quiet time after lunch - which we were so used to and I still think we need a break and relaxing/hypnosis time. Our afternoon activities still take the same amount of time (even though I'm trying to do less) - so we go to bed even later than before (8:30 instead of 7:30).

So here is my new plan (where there's a goal, there's a way!):

6:15 getting up (includes an extra 15 mins for inhaling)
7:25 leaving the house
7:50 leaving kindergarten
8:00 starting work
1:00 leaving work - starting cooking
1:25 leaving for kindergarten
1:50 back home - finishing lunch
2:00 lunch time
2:20 cleaning kitchen
2:30 break time
3:15 starting afternoon activity - running errands
5:30 be back home
6:00 picking up toys - preparing dinner
6:15 dinner time
6:35 cleaning kitchen
6:45 bathroom time - brushing teeth
7:00 story time
7:15 sleeping time
--
7:30 Mommy time!!!
10:00 bed time for Mommy

Wow! Why am I scared now??! But I guess we really need some new schedule to get organized...

Kindergarten Mädchen

I have a Kindergarten girl now. On Monday we went for the first time. I stayed the entire time. We had a rough bitchy morning before we went. I was quite nervous to "through" her in the new Kindergarten situation right after. She was all shy and attached to me, most of the time. But she seemed interested in everything. Wouldn't try things on her own though. I was a bit surprised and started worrying, if the transition would go as smooth as I had hoped.

The teacher asked me to bring her the next morning and leave right away. I should pick her up after lunch break. I remained friendly and calm - on the outside. I was quite a bit shocked on the inside. I thought we would take it more slowly and I would have a chance to make sure, L feels comfortable - and also I get to trust the teachers a bit more, before leaving her on her own.

In the evening I wasn't feeling well. I felt so unsure what to do. Trust the teacher about the method of "throwing her right out there on her own"? I see the advantages. As long as Mommy is there, there might not be a need to trust someone else or join the group. On the other hand, I was positive, L wouldn't let the teachers know when she needed to pee, felt uncomfortable or needed help with zipping her coat... She had barely talked a word on her first day! I was sooo confused. I really wanted to choose the responsible easiest way for her, but I didn't know what it was. Like many mothers, who have to let go their 3-year-olds... I cried big tears that night. I had planned to be that one cool responsible mother that knows exactly what to do and feel good about it. But I wasn't.

Since Lenara had clearly understood that she would go there on her own the next day - and didn't seem to be very nervous about it, I decided to go with the teacher's suggestion. God, I was thankful she didn't cry. I was almost about to cry while waving and heading back to the car. When I picked her up 2.5 hrs later, she seemed so proud. She walked by the teacher's hand and fit right in the group. She didn't even want to leave the ground and headed back toward the other children. Even though she also told me that she had cried a little in the beginning, but now she would like it. Wow.

You can tell, I was relieved. Today she didn't go, because we had a little accident last night (different story, L hurt herself in the back of her throat with a sharp platic thing - we went to see an emergency doctor, pharmacy and had a really horrible night, but now she seems fine again) - so today I wanted her to regain some energy. When I told her, she would't go to Kindergarten today, she said: But I do want to go, Mommy, why can't I?!

Very good. I'm looking forward to tomorrow... we'll stick to 2.5 hrs this week and extend the time next week. I'm sure American Moms will be laughing at me. It seems like all US Moms just through their kids in some daycare shortly after they have given birth and not worry as much (ok, ok, I know I'm being very general here, sorry). But I think it's true, that for many it's not such a big deal. Anyway...

Diaper Horror

OK, I'm in a bad mood today. You can tell. So I'll throw this out as well:

I'm sooooo sick of changing diapers!!!!

I've been changing at least 5 diapers with at least 2 big duties a day for the past 2 years! I'm so done with it.

Will this era ever end???

Feelings of a Single Mom

I know this is not a new topic, yet today it hit me again. Maybe even more because I feel sick and I have a bad cold. Which is why I had to cancel a get together with a dear friend whom I don't see too often. Instead I asked Philipp to come over in the afternoon and take care of our girl. So I could have a break and take care of myself.

Lenara is getting all excited when Daddy is coming. When the doorbell rings she's running out in the hallway and I have to stop her from running down the stairs to meet him (she's not able to run downstairs yet that's the only reason...). It's so good to see the two of them happily reunited.

Yet, as soon as he enters our apartment, it seems like I am not existing anymore. He took her out for a walk today. We have a rule to say goodbye properly to each other. So after reminding her, she at least says a quick goodbye to me. When they got back after 2 hours we had dinner together. I could tell that Lenara loved to have him over for dinner. The two of them have their little jokes and giggles. Lenara is full of energy and all happy and excited.

Which I do understand and I really am happy for them. It also shows that my philosophy and my behaviour toward her Dad was worth all the hard times I used to have.

But, when I see them together like that and Lenara doesn't notice me anymore, I start wondering, if we ever have this much fun together. Then it seems like our days are filled with "wait a minute", "let me do this first", "hold on", "one second", "sure we can go to the playground, but we need to stop by the mail office first"... One thing is, I miss times when my head is truely free to only enjoy the playing moment. I know we have those moments too, but it always feels like I have to make room for them. The other thing is, I'm jealous, bc whenever Daddy sees his girl, he doesn't have any obligations (no cooking meals, no cleaning dishes, no doing laundry, no taken the garbage out, no grocery shopping, no paper work, no worrying about if she eats vegetables or not, no worrying about fighting over rules, no official appointments, no working with a sick baby in his arms etc.). He can simply do everything she wants him to do all day long.

Daddy Superstar.

I don't blame him. If I was in his position I would do just the same and enjoy the rare time with my girl.

Yet, I wonder, if I'll ever be Mommy Superstar. I know it's not even about Lenara's perspective. Mommys just are Superstars to the kids (at least I hope so). I just wish I could feel it more often and not let the distant "wait a sec" moments and all the things I'm not getting accomplished like I had imagined in the way.

Which is especially hard with such a dull stuffy head. Argh.

Mooncup: The full review

Dear ladies, I have blogged about the Mooncup® (known in the USA as MCUK®) earlier this month. As I have promised I will give you a detailled review now.


When I received the mooncup in the mail, I was surprised of the well designed packaging. It's a very classy design and I like the choice of paper. It totally reflects the spirit of an ecological product and company and keeps in mind the target group: women who are seeking for some extra relief in yuckie times. So thank God, no vagina graphics or medical looks. The mooncup comes with a well designed (ok, most people will skip the design part, but I just am a designer, so I notice such things!) manual in tons of languages. But the "how to" part is really kept short and very encouraging. You want to try it right away because it sounds so easy.

Which was the bad part: I had to wait over a week for my period. I haven't been keeping track of my period in a while. So my guess was just wrong and my worrying for the mooncup to arrive too late for nothing. So I had it sitting in my bathroom - anxiously waiting to be used. (It also caught Lenara's attention and she kept asking me about it and I had to take it out of her mouth at least one time. How do you explain a 2-year-old what these things are good for... ?!)

So finally my period came and YESSSSS I got to use my very own mooncup for the very first time (aren't you excited!?).

PUTTING IN/OUT:
Easier than I had expected. You have to fold the flexible cup twice and put it in basically like a tampon. It folds up right in place. You're supposed to cut the pull-back part to a good length adjusted to your body. It's not supposed to stick out, so you can feel or it hurts. I cut twice, just to be sure. To take it out, you just pull very slowly so some air gets in to break up the vacuum. Very similar to a tampon I would say. '



WEARING EXPERIENCE:
I didn't feel this thing at all!!! Meaning AT ALL! Even now that I write this, I had to think a sec, if I'm still wearing it. A tampon always moves a tiny bit up or down in some moments - i.e. when going to the toilet with a tampon I always had to make sure it's not being sqeezed down. Not with the mooncup though. Unless you pull the little string, it stays right in place.

EMPTYING:
I went hiking the first day, and when I had to pee in the woods, I first realized what a mess this would have meant with a tampon. After 2 hours I would have had to exchange the tampon. But there wasn't any place to dispose it. I would have wrapped it in a tissue and put it back in my backpack. Great! (I hate when I have to take home stinky diapers. Not talking of yuckie tampons.) But with the mooncup I didn't have to pay attention to my period. It can stay in up to 8 hours (depending on how heavy the period is). And if I had to empty it, I could have simple taken my bottle of water into the woods to rinse it a little and put it back in.

I also hate, when people don't have a garbage in their bathrooms (mainly male singles!). You have to wrap the bloody tampon in some toilet paper, try to hide it in your hand (or your pocket) and try to get to some close garbage without attracting any attention. (Not talking about the ones I found a couples of days later in my bag...). So that's a plus for private bathrooms: you only need a sink - no garbage.

But, that's the point. In a public bathroom, what do I do? Lock myself in, take the mooncup out, pull my pants up again, go outside again to rinse it in the sink - with everybody watching... ? I suppose you have to take some water with you then. Which makes it more complicated compared to tampons. Unless you don't rinse it, just empty it and put it back in... which would work as an exception. I personally would prefer to rinse it every time though.

I thought it to be very fascinating to actually see the exact amount of blood I'm losing - for the very first time!! During those past 18 years I have never had a clue how much it is - I simply felt like a slaughtered pig at times. What a revelation! I like to know and explore my body. Being faced with plain blood in a sink, might be a problem for some though. Which could be a minus. But I personally really don't mind. I don't think a bloody tampon is any less nasty. And I just thought about it, there's no odor with the mooncup, whereas a tampon starts smelling, if you leave it in for too long.


OVERLL RESULT:
I personally am VERY fascinated by this product and I'm going to stick with the mooncup. Definitely! It feels much more comfortable, natural and compatible with my body (no matter, if I'm going to safe money by using it and/or safe the rainforests - which is not a bad thing either! great!). Especially the fear of leaking is extremely diminished since a mooncup works like a "plug" and not like a "sponge".

I love it!

Go get yourself a mooncup, Ladies! ;)

A nice little list from a Waldorf article...

Decide how you want your home to feel.
Get on the same page as your partner.
Rise before your family.
Own motherhood.
Be firm and loving.
Be consistent.
Decide where your moral compass is - remember that Steiner believed religion and spiritual life was a HUGE part of raising children.
Hold authority. 
Pray and meditate about your family each day.
Continual evaluation and meditation about situations, behaviors and how you can keep with #1. 

I / ICH

Since her birthday Lenara is using sentences with "I" and more and more complete sentences are coming out. I'm so amazed by this. One of those developments which happen so suddenly and very noticable. It's not "Lala Puppe" (Lenara's doll) anymore, but "Meine Puppe" (my doll). On her birthday she said "Ich brauche mehr Sahne, bitte" (I need more whipped cream, please) and everyone else stopped talking and just starred at her.

Just some examples. It's such a miracle.

I also notice that she's getting a sense of time. She uses words like today, tomorrow or yesterday, or "not today, but tomorrow". I'm not sure, if I have shared this on the blog, but she also missed her Dad very much, when he was on vacation for 4 weeks. She asked about him all the time. First thing after she woke up (every morning!): "Papa kommt heute." (Daddy is coming today). At dinner "Papa auch essen jetzt?" (Daddy also eating now?) It was really hard for me to respond - both being annoyed after some point and sad at the same time bc now she's starting to feel the facts of having separated parents. I kept explaining and explaining, telling her that Daddy misses her too, but he went on vacation with an airplane and he will come back to see her after a while.

Then I had an idea: I drew a picture of a caterpillar, with different circles as the body. One circle for each day we had to wait - 21 days from that day. Every morning we colored one of the circles and counted the days until her Dad would come and pick her up again. Of course, she didn't get the whole meaning, but I had a feeling it helped her and she stopped asking several times a day. We paid attention to the issue and her feelings every day, which was important. And I'm hoping, if we keep using this "Daddy calendar", she'll eventually get a better sense of time.

It was also one of the very noticable changes lately. So far she has been happy, when Daddy showed up. But she never really asked about him, when he wasn't around.

I have more to write and to share, but I'm too tired now... will have to wait. P.S. The mooncup has arrived, but my period not yet... to be continued. ;)

Partying Mom

It's 4 in the morning and I just got home! Wow! I haven't gone out in forever and today I felt like being 18 again. Bar hopping in my old home town. I went into more bars and clubs than all past year. And even in one club that I would have never gone into, bc it was said to be the macho club with lots bling bling and hook-ups going on. Well, I guess I really was the only one in there with flipflops and baggy pants under a skirt. I felt old too. BUT: some of those guys were checking me out.... so yeah! I still work it! Relieving to know.

But still it seems hard to spot any guys that really raise my heartbeat - single guys. I was really attracted to one guy and even brought up the courage to make eye-contact (go me!). Only to find out half an hour later, that the girl next to him was his girlfriend. Maaaan!!! Can't they wear signs: "Taken" or something. Can't he just grap HER ass ALL the time, so I don't waste MY precious time. I only have one night a month - I don't have no time to waste!

Older guys wear rings and/or have their wives with them. Newly divorced older guys don't go out, bc they don't have anyone to go out with them as their best friends are home with their wives and families (just like me). Guys my age are home with their new wives and toddlers. It seemed like hitting on younger guys, would raise my chances of scoring a single. But nooooooooo. So frustrating. Well, I'm only starting to get back into this business. Day one was a success: I made it till 4 in the morning. And I managed to suck in my belly all night. It's a start. I'll go from there.

Mooncup

I came across this "Mooncup" while surfing the web. It's an interesting idea.

The Mooncup® is the original silicone menstrual cup designed by women to be a convenient, safe and eco-friendly alternative to tampons and sanitary pads. Loved by women all around the world, and made in the UK by a multi-award winning ethical business, the Mooncup offers an end to the waste, discomfort and expense of disposable sanitary protection.

I have my period coming up next week (now you know it!), let's see if the order will be here on time. I'm so curious, if it works. It was a big investment on my side. But I'm working again, so I can afford things like that every once in a while (ok, next time it will be nailpolish or good coffee again). It's supposed to be usable for 10 years!! So 30 Euros doesn't seem like such a big investment in the long run. I'll keep you updated on the return-of-investment.

Side note: There are two sizes. One is smaller for ladies under 30 or who haven't given birth yet, and the larger one for ladies over 30 or those who have given birth already. It made me feel old since I had to order the large one - not only for having given birth. But yes, I better get used to the thought of being 30 soon...

I'm not sure, if I would have liked this idea a couple of years ago. But to me it feels like now that I've given birth AND I'm turning 30 (yes), so many things have been stuck in my vagina so far, why not a cup?! Especially if it turns out useful. (next to pressing a child through it - which has been the most useful purpose so far... oh wait, maybe not......).

Breakfast in a box - not to go

Lenara just recently made herself breakfast in the flipped over cardboard house. I watched her being very fascinated by all the new ideas she comes up with.

Special Moment: Honk, Mommy!

We went to the discount this morning. While Lenara was sitting in the shopping cart and I was trying to get together what we needed, Lenara had an idea.

She unexpectedly squeezed my boob and shouted out loud "Honk, Mommy, honk, hoooooonk!". I didn't know what to do. She had never done that before. We usually make sounds with our noses or bellies only. So I thought it was pretty funny, yet I felt emberassed, because everyone else was looking. And they didn't look like they thought it was funny.

She did it a couple more times. I told her to stop it. But she must have noticed that I was so surprised the first time, and I couldn't help but laugh myself.

But what really emberasses me now: My little town probably thinks I enjoy getting honked (or being honked or whatever you'd call it).

Gotta love the spontaneity of children.

Special Moment: Hungry

A couple of nights ago, Lenara and I were having dinner together. Nothing big. Just sandwiches. She started playing around with her food - which usually is a sign that she's all done. I asked her: "Are you still hungry?". She turned her face towards me, put on a major serious look and said in a very deep sorrowful voice: "Always, Mommy."

I had never heard her use the word "always". What a perfect moment to start using it. Very funny. ;)

Financial Management

Uff! February is over. Almost. This month I tried to keep track of my financials very seriously as from now on I'll have 200 Euros less than before. For Februar I got 829 € unemployment support (Alg 2 for me and L), about 200 € child support from my ex, and 184 € child benefits. Substracting my monthly fixed costs (like lease, insurances, electricity, phone/internet, nanny) there are about 450 € left for food, toiletries, gas, medicine, gifts and "fun" extras (like wool for knitting, coffees to go, thrift store goodies, clothes). I calculate about 200 € for food from the discount grocery store (which I'll have to recheck, if it's true at all). Turns out this month I spent about 20 € OVER THE BUDGET!

I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I mean, ONLY 20 Euros. That's pretty close to the goal and incredibly good, considering I haven't watched every penny. I just overall tried to safe as much as I could. On the other hand it means, I should be safing EVEN MORE money. In fact it means no more thrift store shopping for fabric OR using my car only half of the month OR not drinking coffee anymore OR (I think that's what I'll do) not buy diapers anymore.

I was hoping the result would be more clear as it should be the basis for my decision whether I have to get a job on the side or not. I'm allowed to earn 100 € extra without loosing (parts of) the unemployment support. But it will be hard to find an official job for that little amount of money, plus one that fits into my schedule with Lenara (the options basically are working at night from home or taking her with me during the day).

Maybe I'll wait another month and first of all try selling more stuff on ebay and the local second hand baby fairs. And maybe making some little girls' dresses to sell on DaWanda. I seriously should find out the terms & conditions at DaWanda.com. I don't think it'll bring a lot of money, as a lot of people are selling similar stuff, but I could at least try (in the beginning 20 € would be just enough to keep my account in balance). It's something I can do from home at night. And it's something I want to get better at too. It's just not so easy to accomplish considering the last post is still valid: I feel very exhausted now. I have to be very careful with my time.

To be continued... I'll have to think everything over.

Does anyone know a well-off attractive Single willing to take care of us? I cut out on "attractive", if neccessary. LOL.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining too much. I'm really grateful that in Germany I have the option to stay home with my little girl for the first years - of course for the price of having a tiny budget. It really takes some skills to live with that budget, and I'm seriously proud of how well we are doing with it. Having worked as an account manager before wasn't all that bad. ;) And I know other families who don't have a bigger budget, even though both parents are working - which must be even more frustrating. Right now I'm in a transition phase. I got to figure out my general financial condition with this new budget and my priorities before moving on and being smart about decisions. Wish me luck (again).

Now I got to get ready to pick up Lenara from the Nanny -- 10 km by bike. Trying to implement my resolutions right away. Wish me luck (again). ;)

Priority management

These days I've been accomplishing a lot. But still I feel like I don't have enough time. I have so many creative projects on my mind. Yet I'm trying to force myself to finish the old ones, before I start new ones. Which works to some degree and then again not. Then I start something new and stay up late at night, bc I know I won't have time to finish it over a couple of evenings. There are things in my apartment I'd like to organise, some small things like unpacking bags (there are 4 bags by now, I don't even remember what's in them) or ironing a couple of items. Yet I don't get to do it. Last night I stayed up too long again. Which ended in a headache all day today. I took the longest nap with Lenara and still she had to pull me out of bed afterwards, bc I was still so tired. I am interested in looking into the job issue, but yet I don't find a quiet minute to do so. I think today my body sent me a pretty clear warning sign once again. I have to rethink my priorities right now. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and unsatisfied, it's usually the priorities that are not clear. I'm trying to accomplish everything at the same time, and yet it leads to nothing really accomplished in the end. Plus I was looking forward to meeting a dear friend with her family today, and it didn't work out. Frustrating. I think Lenara was really bored and annoyed with her tired Mommy today. So she kept provoking me with things she's not supposed to do. But it was too obvious that she was simply trying to play with me and get my attention. So I couldn't be mad at her. Yet I had a hard time focusing on her, bc I was so tired and trying to figure out what's wrong with my priorities right now. These past weeks I really liked the slow speed of my life. But somehow I feel like it's speeding again now. 24 hours are not enough. And I remember times in my life where I had the same thought. So I take this as an alert and very serious. I have a free morning tomorrow (so L won't get sick overnight and I can't bring her to the Nanny tomorrow, fingers crossed!). Will use it to relax and think. Not do or accomplish stuff. Wish me luck.

Added later:
And I feel so bad that I teach my little girl to pick up her stuff every night before going to bed, and I don't get to pick up my own stuff. Makes me feel horrible. What a bad example I am.

Fooling around

Photobooth App - LOL ;))
~ posted from my Sony VAIO (by the way)

Being tolerant

I just had one of the most intense motherhood moments this afternoon. I'm afraid, not in a good way. And not related to Lenara (that's the good part about it). Being a mother in fact not only means having a child, trying to be the best mother you can be and trying to handle all the new challenges this brings to your own life (marriage, grandparents, work, money, free time... and and and). That's one part - for sure. But there's another part, which sometimes leads me into a deep inner-conflict. Namely:

Interacting with other Moms.

Last summer when I was talking to one of my friends, who is not a mother, I said something that provoked a lot of irritation and incomprehension on the opposing side of the table. Without thinking much about it, I stated something like: "It's hard to be friends with people who have a completely different understanding or philosophy of the way they raise their children. So in the end you tend to be friends with parents who share a common philosophy. Which might also cause an alienation to former friends." After her shocked reaction I got very confused and worried about myself. Ever since, once in a while this conversation crosses my mind and I ask myself: Am I too intolerant and judging people in a way I shouldn't?

Today I went for a walk with Lenara. We really had a good time - walking, jumping, singing, collecting wood for the bird mobile. Then we bumped into another mother with her daughter, who is about 9 months older than Lenara. We had introduced ourselves last summer as coincidentally we had bumped into each other a couple of times in a row. We hadn't seen them for months, so we were excited to see them again. We chatted for a while and the girls warmed up to one another - playing catch around us after a while. Very amusing to watch. And I - feeling socially isolated sometimes - was excited to bump into someone and realize - there actually are people nearby who are interested in us.

To make this story a bit shorter: the longer we talked the more I kept realizing that I don't agree with everything she said and that slowly the feeling of being annoyed started predominating the original feeling of being excited. But the longer we talked, the more the girls enjoyed each other. Which ended in the other Mom inviting us over to their house - which we were basically standing in front of. The feeling of being thrilled about someone spontaneously inviting us over predominated the feeling of being annoyed for a second. In we went.

Lenara was all excited about the other girls' many many toys. The huge problem was, that as soon as we were inside, the other girl turned from friendly to possesive and refused to share her toys. She took away every toy Lenara touched. She wanted to sit on the chair Lenara was sitting on and so on. I know it's a phase the little ones go through figuring out "mine & your's" - alright. This was the first time, Lenara (and I) were faced with such a strong reaction (including screaming, crying, pushing, throwing things).

First I felt sorry for Lenara, who got more insecure with every minute. Usually she gets scared when other children cry (Lenara herself never really cries unless she's in pain). This time she just seemed very puzzled and thinking about what she had done wrong. I tried to back her up by telling her that she had done nothing wrong and next time we would have to ask her friend, if we could use this or that toy and find an agreement. But the other girl was taken away by her emotions. And it's not like I can't understand. If my Mom would bring home a friend I hardly know with her daughter, who both mothers are complimenting overwhelmingly and she'd be taking my car or using my computer without my permission, I'd be furious too. Even more when my Mom was telling me, I would be the one who's wrong.

Anyway, I tried to think of a way to calm the situation down. From experience talking, being precise and pointing out options has always helped so far. I know I could have explained Lenara easily that she should take another toy, because her friend was having difficulties with sharing right now. Or I suggested that they take turns. Or play together. Or she should show Lenara how to use this or that. Or that the other girl should pick one toy that Lenara could play with, so she could keep control for now and slowly adjust to a common playing environment. As much as I agree the older girl has to learn sharing, I think it's important that Lenara starts learning that she can't just take things, but she has to ask and realize not everyone is willing to share all the time. Dealing with disappointment and frustration is part of life and she'll have to get used to handling it. The best I can do is to chaperon this process instead of avoiding it or solving it for her. Either we would have found a good solution for everyone, or if nothing would have helped, we would have left in order not to over-extend the kids' capacity of taking such an emotional emergency and we could have come back another time. Probably the other girl would have been disappointed then (as I know she likes to have friends over), and maybe have learnt the lesson: not sharing = not playing together. Just to give you an idea about the way I judged the situation.

But the other mother kept yelling at her girl. At a volume that left a ring in my ear. Ignoring all my ways of trying to negotiate with the girl, giving her attention and serving as a mediator leaving the problem on the girls' level. Instead the mother told her daughter she would be evil, she wouldn't want her as a daughter like that, she wouldn't recognize her, she would be the older one and expected to share with the baby (don't you call my girl baby!) and her (the Mom) would be crying, if she didn't give Lenara the toy (what? It might have helped to stick to the truth - Lenara was sad, she was the one close to crying). Then again she switched to hugging and kissing her, asking her to be a good girl. Right before sending her off to her room for such misbehaviour and crying. How confusing, painful and emberassing that must be!

I just realize how hard this is to explain while I'm writing it down. Does it make any sense?

The other Mom I guess was emberassed of her daughter's behaviour, trying to teach a lesson and trying to protect Lenara. She only involved herself and her daughter in the conflict, without giving us a chance to interact and solve the problem among the 4 of us - whereas it actually should have remained a problem between the two girls. But as she was ignoring Lenara's reaction and everything I suggested, she simply avoided a real solution in my eyes. This was leading nowhere.

Plus, I felt treated disrespectfully myself by being ignored - as an individual and as my role as Lenara's mother. In my eyes we as parents should teach the children how to handle those situations in a good way. How to handle those intense emotions - that are just part of growing up. All she did was accusing her daughter in front of us in a way that I thought was inappropriate - using words that I thought are inappropriate.

I know I'm very sensitive (maybe over-sensitive) about this issue after having heard so much about the results of such behaviour at the psychotherapy hospital and having read psychological books (which include some of the phrases she used in the exact same words).

So I found myself in a really bad situation: in a room full of bad energy, trying to protect Lenara, trying to protect the other girl, trying to find a solution, trying not to accuse the other mother, wishing Lenara wouldn't have to witness all of that, feeling insecure myself about this kind of situation, trying to be polite to the host, trying not to judge.

Trying to be tolerant.

When we got home, my hands were shaking. That's how intense this experience was. I know it's not my right to judge or interfere in the way someone raises their child (why not acutally? Bc in our culture raping someone physically is condemned, but raping someone with words is not?). I know there are reasons for this mother to act this way. I know she has a different cultural background and has had some hard parts in her life (who hasn't though?!). Also I do not know the history of their mother-daughter-conflict. I know she loves her child and only wants the best for her. I know my solutions are not always the best either. I haven't had this problem with my own daugther yet, who knows how I would or will react then. I know I'm not a perfect mother either. I know I can't prevent Lenara from witnessing such scenes. I know.

Yet, it's my choice not to spend an afternoon with them again.

q.e.d.

Perception Management

Being a mom can be alienating, confusing, and frustrating.

I just wanted to get that out there. Sometimes, I feel that way. Not all the time, not frequently, but occasionally. It's usually when I feel like I am not getting support that I self alienate even more and then I get confused and then, frustrated. It's a great trio. Usually followed by lots of chocolate. Dark, delicious chocolate.

I feel lots of feelings as I raise another human being. And, I thought that everyone assumed that I am vulnerable to these feelings.

But, apparently not. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she likes the pictures that I post on facebook, but that they are only part of the picture, and went on to say something along the thought that I was managing perceptions. Alluding to, that I only show the fun and happy times.

Maybe I'm sensitive. But, what does that mean? Am I one of those people who magnifies the positive and tries to erase the negative? But, to me, I seem so realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. So, I doubt that. (See what I mean?)

Anyway, this is my attempt at proving normality. My first attempt, and the recent circumstantial evidence on my iPhone.

Feelings. I've got them. Even though David says he's only seen me cry once. (Doesn't he mean once a month?) To you, my dear friend, I want you to know that I get terrified and in cold sweats sometimes worrying about an untimely demise or unforseen danger, or who she could be entrusted to if we had an untimely demise. I try to think of everything that I can do to protect her and provide a great environment for the darling.

All of these thoughts are fleeting, but they do occur (always untimely), like while we are making bread or perhaps while I'm nursing her to sleep. Olivia is so precious, and she means the world to me. I take pictures then. I take pictures when I feel frustrated and have to breathe, and laugh, or else I'd cry sometimes. But, how could I get mad, she's so darn fun. And, there's usually a pretty good reason why she does the things she does. Like, wanting to play peek a boo with the mat under the dog dish. Or learning about floating, sinking, and absorbing in the dog's dishes for the millionth day in a row.

A great sense of humor. A good reminder to laugh.




It was easy to clean up.


Boone is hairy and I clean up more after Boone than I do Olivia. Or, at least it feels like it. But, the flip side is that he loves Olivia and we love him.


Creating learning experiences is messy. For the both of us.











Overall, I feel good. I love my life. The downs as well. I think that is the picture that I want to paint, more than anything else. I strive to be a better me. I get lost sometimes about what that means when I follow my head but my heart is always constant about seeking happiness and maintaining some sort of clumsy composure. I guess that what I want to say is that I'm not the girl who poses an iPad in the background to brag or intentionally posting pictures of "only the good stuff", but who takes pictures when in an argument or having a rotten day? I can, if that's what it takes. You aren't the one who said the comment about 'perception management' but I want to be real with you. And, I think I am. I think. But, being a good friend, and with this being an open forum, I thought it would be a good discussion place about the many FEELINGS and the unpretty amidst all the BEAUTY that comes with motherhood. And, that it's okay, in my opinion to document the good because that's what is worth remembering.

I want to hear from my mom that she was exhausted sometimes, but I don't want to read about it, every time she was. Ya know? You know!
I know you know!

So, when you feel a flood of emotions or when I do, let's post about it. But, without suppression or perception management, let's sew and explore and create until our hearts content. That's what I'm all about.

Is this even making sense? I sure hope so.

Dear friend, I'm a wreck sometimes. Next time, I'll take a picture! : )

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Catonsville, Maryland

Dance Action

The actual funny part was that she tried immitating my dance style. Unfortunately not in view of the camera. So this cute video ends with me making a fool of myself... hope you enjoy!

[Haven't been clubbing in forever. This is our morningly replacement.]

Love both

When we got home after the Christmas festivities at my parents', first thing Lenara took out Maruun (the new doll) and went to get her favorite doll Annabel. She hugged both of them dearly at the same time and said "love both" - as if she was introducing them to one another and reassuring those two babies that she loves both of them the same way.

Maybe I should add, she hasn't used the word "love" many times before. She has only said it twice after I told her I love her, she had said "love, too" (soooo special).

Recently I sometimes think about, if it's possible to love another baby as much as I love Lenara. I can't imagine that it's possible - bc she's the best. Yet, I know it must be possible somehow. It's like Lenara wanted to show me, how it works... amazing scene.

You are my sweet little teacher, Lenara! I adore you!