I just wanted to get that out there. Sometimes, I feel that way. Not all the time, not frequently, but occasionally. It's usually when I feel like I am not getting support that I self alienate even more and then I get confused and then, frustrated. It's a great trio. Usually followed by lots of chocolate. Dark, delicious chocolate.
I feel lots of feelings as I raise another human being. And, I thought that everyone assumed that I am vulnerable to these feelings.
But, apparently not. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she likes the pictures that I post on facebook, but that they are only part of the picture, and went on to say something along the thought that I was managing perceptions. Alluding to, that I only show the fun and happy times.
Maybe I'm sensitive. But, what does that mean? Am I one of those people who magnifies the positive and tries to erase the negative? But, to me, I seem so realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. So, I doubt that. (See what I mean?)
Anyway, this is my attempt at proving normality. My first attempt, and the recent circumstantial evidence on my iPhone.
Feelings. I've got them. Even though David says he's only seen me cry once. (Doesn't he mean once a month?) To you, my dear friend, I want you to know that I get terrified and in cold sweats sometimes worrying about an untimely demise or unforseen danger, or who she could be entrusted to if we had an untimely demise. I try to think of everything that I can do to protect her and provide a great environment for the darling.
All of these thoughts are fleeting, but they do occur (always untimely), like while we are making bread or perhaps while I'm nursing her to sleep. Olivia is so precious, and she means the world to me. I take pictures then. I take pictures when I feel frustrated and have to breathe, and laugh, or else I'd cry sometimes. But, how could I get mad, she's so darn fun. And, there's usually a pretty good reason why she does the things she does. Like, wanting to play peek a boo with the mat under the dog dish. Or learning about floating, sinking, and absorbing in the dog's dishes for the millionth day in a row.
A great sense of humor. A good reminder to laugh.
It was easy to clean up.
Boone is hairy and I clean up more after Boone than I do Olivia. Or, at least it feels like it. But, the flip side is that he loves Olivia and we love him.
Creating learning experiences is messy. For the both of us.
Overall, I feel good. I love my life. The downs as well. I think that is the picture that I want to paint, more than anything else. I strive to be a better me. I get lost sometimes about what that means when I follow my head but my heart is always constant about seeking happiness and maintaining some sort of clumsy composure. I guess that what I want to say is that I'm not the girl who poses an iPad in the background to brag or intentionally posting pictures of "only the good stuff", but who takes pictures when in an argument or having a rotten day? I can, if that's what it takes. You aren't the one who said the comment about 'perception management' but I want to be real with you. And, I think I am. I think. But, being a good friend, and with this being an open forum, I thought it would be a good discussion place about the many FEELINGS and the unpretty amidst all the BEAUTY that comes with motherhood. And, that it's okay, in my opinion to document the good because that's what is worth remembering.
I want to hear from my mom that she was exhausted sometimes, but I don't want to read about it, every time she was. Ya know? You know!
I know you know!
So, when you feel a flood of emotions or when I do, let's post about it. But, without suppression or perception management, let's sew and explore and create until our hearts content. That's what I'm all about.
Is this even making sense? I sure hope so.
Dear friend, I'm a wreck sometimes. Next time, I'll take a picture! : )
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Catonsville, Maryland
I was going to comment on your blog entry right after writing down today's experience (see post earlier). I really appreciate your honesty and I have a couple of words to add. But now I'm too tired. Will do tomorrow or so. Can't wait for that picture. I love your writing style. And all the caught in the moment pictures. Awesome. I know you're a wreck sometimes - even if you don't mention it at all. Every mother is sometimes. Some more, some less. Some more often, some less often. Sometimes it helps to share this fact and be aware of it, sometimes it doesn't. You entitled the post correctly "perception management" -- not "presentation management". It's not so much about you worrying what someone else might think about you, nor you trying to hide something. Seems like the other person (aware or unaware) makes you feel "accused", only bc of her own perception of your life and assuming you're trying to hide something from her (and everyone else). I never had the feeling you do. If someone would seriously ask you about your life as a mother and seemed interested also in your problems, you'd tell every aspect, I'm positive you would. Like you said: Who takes pictures of the difficult moments? Difficult moments = busy moments. Pictures are just one aspect of storytelling. After all xpressing difficult times is not easily done using pictures. Therefore people usually prefer writing. Which you have done before on this blog as well. It's not only about what you share, but how people read it - which is not in your hands. The other person might have had some expectations of you which you didn't fulfill in whatever way - who knows. Or do you feel accused bc you were hiding something from her (the rest of us?)? It's called privacy. There is a good reason why you don't talk about problems to everyone. So you shouldn't feel weird about this comment. Not at all. And Jen, don't act like you're not bragging with your iPad. LOL. Now would you come over and have a nice little playdate with us? "Across the miles" is really far...
ReplyDeleteok. Now I did write about everything I wanted to. No next comment. Good night.