Feelings of a Single Mom

I know this is not a new topic, yet today it hit me again. Maybe even more because I feel sick and I have a bad cold. Which is why I had to cancel a get together with a dear friend whom I don't see too often. Instead I asked Philipp to come over in the afternoon and take care of our girl. So I could have a break and take care of myself.

Lenara is getting all excited when Daddy is coming. When the doorbell rings she's running out in the hallway and I have to stop her from running down the stairs to meet him (she's not able to run downstairs yet that's the only reason...). It's so good to see the two of them happily reunited.

Yet, as soon as he enters our apartment, it seems like I am not existing anymore. He took her out for a walk today. We have a rule to say goodbye properly to each other. So after reminding her, she at least says a quick goodbye to me. When they got back after 2 hours we had dinner together. I could tell that Lenara loved to have him over for dinner. The two of them have their little jokes and giggles. Lenara is full of energy and all happy and excited.

Which I do understand and I really am happy for them. It also shows that my philosophy and my behaviour toward her Dad was worth all the hard times I used to have.

But, when I see them together like that and Lenara doesn't notice me anymore, I start wondering, if we ever have this much fun together. Then it seems like our days are filled with "wait a minute", "let me do this first", "hold on", "one second", "sure we can go to the playground, but we need to stop by the mail office first"... One thing is, I miss times when my head is truely free to only enjoy the playing moment. I know we have those moments too, but it always feels like I have to make room for them. The other thing is, I'm jealous, bc whenever Daddy sees his girl, he doesn't have any obligations (no cooking meals, no cleaning dishes, no doing laundry, no taken the garbage out, no grocery shopping, no paper work, no worrying about if she eats vegetables or not, no worrying about fighting over rules, no official appointments, no working with a sick baby in his arms etc.). He can simply do everything she wants him to do all day long.

Daddy Superstar.

I don't blame him. If I was in his position I would do just the same and enjoy the rare time with my girl.

Yet, I wonder, if I'll ever be Mommy Superstar. I know it's not even about Lenara's perspective. Mommys just are Superstars to the kids (at least I hope so). I just wish I could feel it more often and not let the distant "wait a sec" moments and all the things I'm not getting accomplished like I had imagined in the way.

Which is especially hard with such a dull stuffy head. Argh.