About our vacation: We had so much fun. What a time-out! Best weather, enough snow, quite some skiing and sledding, taking turns babysitting, taking turns doing the puzzles for the 100006th time, waking up to the smell of coffee and a set breakfast table every morning, barely having to think about cooking, barely having to wipe anything, not having to change every single (!) diaper myself, cake every afternoon, company (aka my parents) every night, not feeling guilty about watching TV every night and... and... and... we definitely enjoyed our slow winter days!
Vacation inspiration:
In the future not get stuck online so much with useless things (like browsing through Facebook-Photo-Albums of people I don't even know, or not finding an end to browsing sewing projects...), rather turn on the computer during nap time and not in the evening
Living offline was such a quality. I finished 4 little knitting projects (a matching scarf for Lenara's hat, a double layer for said hat to make it even warmer, a crochetted flower, socks for Maruun and a felt banana for Lenara's food basket and/or her stuffed monkey). And I really enjoyed watching TV again. I haven't really turned on the TV in quite a while. But it didn't feel like I have missed anything. All those old shows are still the same basically. It was good to enjoy for this amount of time, but I know I won't need to turn on the TV in the future (except for assorted shows or movies).
I'm thinking about getting an 8hrs/week job. I knew before that I will have a major money issue from February on, but I wasn't sure about having the energy to handle a real job. But imagine I won't turn on the computer nor the TV every night, this gives me a couple of extra hours, I could use for something useful - like making money (or sewing, I know). My Dad has some information about a possible job (inserting data into an online database). I've done it before as a summer job during Highschool times. It's boring, but easy. And most important: probably flexible enough that I could do it from home sometime during the week. My goal is to get more information about it and find out, if and how it could work. Still I think, 8 hours is a lot - considering I only have about 2 hours to myself every night and I also have to relax a bit to keep up my energy level (which is a real factor due to my history and single mom conditions). I know most working Moms would laugh at me, but 8 hrs without any extra babysitting (which I can't afford) is a big committment for me. Yet, I know I'll be thankful for every extra Euro and I know I'd feel better, if I earned a bit money on my own and slowly gain a feeling for the working world again (which I'm still so afraid of, I just don't get over this trauma, it's so frustrating). I came home very motivated.
Tonight - after day one of leading my own life again and being responsible for everything on my own (including my little girl) - I'm not quite as motivated anymore. It's 10:15 at night and I feel very very tired. I'm not close to having done everything I had on my personal list for tonight (doing laundry, calling a friend, checking our blog, uploading pictures, getting a to do list done for the upcoming week, checking my finances). If I was doing that/a job, I would still be working for another 15 minutes. And I would have not yet been able to organize ANYTHING of my personal life. That thought makes me sad. And confused: I feel like I don't have enough personal time even now. Yet, I need the money. What should I do? My Mom offered to take Lenara a couple of hours let's say every Wednesday afternoon. That would help get some working time in during the day. Yet, I feel like I don't have enough free/play time with Lenara myself even now. I mean, during the day I have to get done or organize so many other things at the same time (meals, cleaning, mail, important phone calls, grocery shopping), or she's at the day nanny's or we're at playgroup, or at the single parents meeting or we visit with some of our many family members, or we're at a playdate (basically my only occasion to be social, so usually we're trying to get some adult talk in, while entertaining the kids) - or she's at daddy's 3 days in a row. I enjoy the days, when I have nothing important on my list and we can just hang out all day long and see what the day has in store for us (interrupted by preparing meals of course, hard to skip that part) without having to worry about naps taken on time, being somewhere on time, getting into the car to go anywhere... those pure play moments, when I feel that magical close connection with my daughter are rare, or I should rather say very short moments spread over the day - which is clearly not the same. Getting back to my point, giving her away another afternoon for babysitting just feels like another time I'm losing her and having to split up our week in one more little piece. Yet, I know I'll "lose" her to Kindergarten at some point anyway. And many other Mom's are working by now and have their kids at daycare all week - so what am I complaining about? Am I holding on too much? Am I far far from reality? Am I a lazy a*** for trying to avoid work in order to spend quality time with my girl? Working at night when it doesn't affect any Mommy-Daughter-Interaction therefore seems like a good solution. Yet, I do worry about my own energy and my abililty to organize our personal life (not even talking about upholding those few attempts of following a hobby, like sewing i.e.), if I miss those evening hours. Yet, I need some money... duh! Frustrating!!!!
How did this post end this way? I was only going to post some nice holiday impressions...
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ReplyDeleteHa ha. This is hilarious that the test comment only posted.
ReplyDeleteI can tell that the vacation provided a lot of clarity for you and that it was great to have time, with no "time" sort of infringements. Your post seems slow and I can tell you were even breathing deeper and happier when you returned. Just what you needed.
Snow! What fun! Looks like you had fun playing in it and giving Lenara that experience.
Tomorrow we are going to go on a long walk and feel some of the silencing of the soul that it allows for, which you described.
No internet is sometimes good. REally good!
Big hugs to you and L.
We're glad you're back.