Thursday, March 14, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Single Mom Manifesto
Today I have this strong inner feeling to write this "manifesto". It's what I want single Moms and Dads to know - and what I need to keep in mind myself again and again.
1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.
2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.
3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.
4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.
5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.
6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.
7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.
8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!
9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.
10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.
And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))
Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!
1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.
2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.
3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.
4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.
5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.
6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.
7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.
8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!
9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.
10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.
And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))
Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!
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