Single Mom Manifesto

Today I have this strong inner feeling to write this "manifesto". It's what I want single Moms and Dads to know - and what I need to keep in mind myself again and again.

 1. Living life as a single parent is not what nature has intended for families. In fact it takes even more than two people to raise a family. Some (I believe African) quote says: It takes a whole town to raise a kid. In today's culture many of us can't even refer to relatives and most of us don't have a town to help out. Raising a family all by yourself - even if you get help here and there - is a special situation. You are trying to do the job of two - the best way you possibly can.

 2. Don't make yourself a heroine - you do not have to prove mankind (or yourself) that single Moms do not have to limit themselves, that they can have everything a double parent family has, the same energy, same successful job, same hobbies, same tidy house, same financial privileges, same vacations, same amount of close friends, same amount of time for their kid(s). You don't. Even though you deserve it - out of question! But you don't. Rather embrace than fight this fact. You'll be losing even more energy, if you ignore it.

 3. Don't make yourself a victim - your possibilities are limited, your energy is limited, your time is limited, your personal freedoms are limited, you might feel more torn and the weight of responsibility in many situations than other parents, yes. But blaming your situation on others, focussing on your limits and the bad things, comparing your situation to others (like the parent who has left, other families or worst case double-income-no-kids-couples), feeling anger, looking back or quarrelling with lost dreams - will make you lose even more energy, will hold yourself back from growing strong and healing those old pains, will hinder you from finding out your priorities in life and living the life and happiness you and your family deserves! Rather embrace than fight this fact. You won't find happiness, if you ignore it.

 4. You neither need to be a heroine nor a victim. Being yourself the way you are right now is totally ok. Being in this situation you are faced with right now is totally ok. In fact, it's the best that could happen to you. The universe has a plan for everyone of us. This is what it has in mind for you. Keep in mind that the universe always has good intentions. Picture it as the perfect initial situation to start from. If you would not be strong enough to handle this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you. If you would not be able to grow, change or be happy in this situation, the universe would not have presented it to you either. Rather embrace than fight this fact. Be curious and look out for all your chances and watch the universe unfold.

 5. It's a myth that being a single Mom is only tied to disadvantages. In many situations I feel very privileged. I was able to decide many things for my child and our family all by myself: the doctor and when to go see it, medicine (I prefer homöopathy), food (I prefer local and organic), the daynanny (I preferred waldorf), kindergarten (=preschool, I prefered outdoor), friends we spend time with and who support us (I prefer those who give back engergy), toys which I think are more valuable than others, clothes (I prefer second hand & no cartoon characters), little vacations we went on, how to decorate our apartment, how to celebrate birthdays, install family traditions (waldorf table, Christmas etc.), how to spend our weekends - it's all 100% my decision and what I feel comfortable with. No discussions. No compromising. Second best thing: Since Lenara has turned about 1 year old, I was able to have daddy-weekends = two entire free days (plus 1 or 2 nights) every 3 weeks! I don't have one friend who has the same privilege. I feel truly blessed. And the best best best thing: I have a very close, telepathic connection with my child. I can not imagine this would have been the case, if we would not have been somewhat "forced" to be a perfect match.

 6. It's a myth that children in separated families always have to suffer. It is all about how respectful and grown up their parents interact and put the children's needs first - always. Maybe not all, but certainly a lot bad effects following separation can be cushioned by the attitude of the parents (and their respective families!). I know this can be hard at times, especially since the parents are most likely hurt and angry and depressed themselves. The best advice we ever got was to separate parent level and couple level. We decided to be hurt and angry on the couple level - from which we completely excluded our daughter. On the parent level we decided to be the best parents we could be under these special circumstances. We put our daughter first, our own needs second. She needs both of her parents. It's fascinating to witness how close she is with her daddy today (4 years later) and how comfortable she feels around him. Even though he has never lived with us. Her Dad and I never became friends again and I doubt we ever will. But we can look each other in the eyes and enjoy our daughter, who will always connect us. And yes, I'm proud we took that decision. Because that is what it took.

 7. Sometimes you need to put your own needs first. Stating "put the childs' needs first" only applies to the parent level of separated parents. In the daily mommy-daughter-life it is important to be aware of and acknowledge both of our needs. Mother's like to put the kids above all - even their own needs. I tend to do that too. But in reality we are two human beings - equal - each with needs. It's the art of combining and balancing both needs. The child is not yet able to take care of all of her needs herself. So parents are responsible to take care of many. Yet mothers (or parents in general) need to take extra-care of their own needs as well, especially since no partner will do it and comfort you. You do not only need to comfort your child, but yourself. If you ignore your needs, the whole system will get out of balance - not only you will suffer yourself, but eventually also the kids and everyone around. Sometimes it's important to put your own needs first, so that you can keep the energy and the balance of your fragile system. And sometimes everything will just get out of control. Which is ok too.

 8. Asking for help is a compliment. As a single parent family things will sometimes get easier with some help. Asking for help often makes us feel weak, depended and gives us a feeling of failure. That is because these days we often wait too long until we ask for help. Asking for help is something very natural. We don't live in rural little communities anymore where neighbors or relatives would have a chance to notice when we need some help, where everyday shores are split up among the community members to begin with and not every single family is responsible to keep their own household running. It took me great effort (and sometimes still does) to ask for help (like my neighbor to carry our groceries upstairs, bc I'm carrying my sleeping child upstairs). Often I'm still surprised that people are happy and feel acknowledged if you ask them for help. Being needed and being able to help is a good feeling. It's a true win-win-situation in most cases. Try it!

9. Life is a matter of priorities. It's your choice what is important in your life. Not all areas of your life can have the same priority. Your attention, energy, time etc. are all limited. It's an idiotic goal to have a quality family life, a good job, a perfect household, perfect health, quality time with many friends... Your attention can only go to few things at a time. Sometimes I feel bad, bc my cooking skills are poor and our apartments looks exploded every other day (it happens so quickly!). Even though I do not mind cleaning or learning how to cook. Even though I'm trying hard to keep everything together. I am disciplined and hard-working. Yet, our day only has 24 hours. Once I accept that it's ok to have a messy kitchen in favor of having spent time with my daughter, my family or friends or a job I love (www.hypnobirthing-erleben.de !) - I feel better. If I had a super clean kitchen, I would have had to cut time on some other things. I am not sure, that would be worth it. My goal is to focus on the things I love (bc it keeps the love, energy and awareness in our lives high) and keep the rest running on a minimum level.

10. Life is getting better and better. When I was 5 months pregnant and my husband left me, I was sitting in the emergency room with a decent nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying for days. Even though I was talking or even laughing, the tears would not stop running down my face. The lady doctor who I talked to that day, asked my (ex-)husband to leave the room and told me: "Sadly I have gone through something similar. Maybe it is hard for you to believe right now, BUT you will be happy again. For sure." I could not quite believe her words that day bc my whole vision of the future had been taken away from me. But she was right: I'm happy. In fact, more than ever before. The more things you have experienced that you do not like, the better you have learnt how to deal with them, how to protect yourself and your family from them, the more you know who and what is good for yourself and your family, the more you learn about priorities in your life and focus on the things that really matter: love, energy, nature and universal awareness that is for me.

And while I felt the urge to remind me of these facts today (we are both sick and home, which I feel is the heaviest burden of being a single parent family), our apartment looks like this...not only today, but for days by now :)))

Love & Energy to all my fellow single Moms and Dads!

Crashed after Kindergarten!

My baby just crashed in the car after our little shopping trip. I had a hard time carrying her Kindergarten stuff, my work stuff, our bought stuff etc. - and her upstairs. Uff! She's not supposed to take naps during the day (usually she doesn't want to either, it's not like I'm intentionally keeping her awake!). If she naps only 10 minutes during the day, we have trouble when going to bed at night. Usually it's 1 or 2 hours later than usual at night. Which drives me crazy! That's the reason we stay home during the day or just walk places - bc in the car she'll fall asleep 100%... it also happened in the backseat of my bike recently, which means we can't go anywhere by bike either.

By the way, she's wearing her new "working overalls" ("Schaff-Hos" the kids call them) from Engelhard Strauss. Other Kindergarten parents had recommended them and we all ordered together. They're said to be unbreakable! 15 Euros well invested - I hope so.

Working Mom

Life as a working Mom is really busy and days go by way to fast. We're still in the process of adjusting.... which is much harder than I thought it woul be. Even though we both love what we do. It takes a lot of energy right now.

(I can't believe how much I blogged in March!)

We've accomplished and survived so much until this point:
- no more baby spit on myself
- no more breast feeding
- no more diapers
- sleeping through the nights
- no more Schnulli
- no more Krabbel-attacks at night

- listening to Leo Lausemaus non-stop
- getting used to day nanny and working at night-time
- and and and...

I'm pretty sure, we'll manage kindergarten and working at day-time as well (at least it sounds easy enough). I'm positive (still) (somewhat). Just getting up at 6 kills me.

Kindergarten - Work - Schedule - Struggling

Wow, we tried to get up early today. Because eventually L will have to go from 7:45 am to 1:30 pm. So far we had extended our time from 8:45 to 1:30. Since we have only 3 more days before I start my new job, today we had to force ourselves to shoot for 7:45. I tried to wake up Lenara at 6:30. No reaction. I took her - half asleep - to the couch and used the inhaling machine on her (bad coughing going on). The medicine is supposed to make kids hyper, so I was hoping for her to wake up. We managed to be at the kindergarten trailer by 8. So almost on time! ;)

The problem is, our entire schedule is out of order right now. We get up earlier than before. We eat lunch 2 hours later than before (noon - 2pm). Sometimes we skip our quiet time after lunch - which we were so used to and I still think we need a break and relaxing/hypnosis time. Our afternoon activities still take the same amount of time (even though I'm trying to do less) - so we go to bed even later than before (8:30 instead of 7:30).

So here is my new plan (where there's a goal, there's a way!):

6:15 getting up (includes an extra 15 mins for inhaling)
7:25 leaving the house
7:50 leaving kindergarten
8:00 starting work
1:00 leaving work - starting cooking
1:25 leaving for kindergarten
1:50 back home - finishing lunch
2:00 lunch time
2:20 cleaning kitchen
2:30 break time
3:15 starting afternoon activity - running errands
5:30 be back home
6:00 picking up toys - preparing dinner
6:15 dinner time
6:35 cleaning kitchen
6:45 bathroom time - brushing teeth
7:00 story time
7:15 sleeping time
--
7:30 Mommy time!!!
10:00 bed time for Mommy

Wow! Why am I scared now??! But I guess we really need some new schedule to get organized...

Sucker Fairy was here!!!

Boy, am I excited!!!! This is one of the most special posts I ever blogged. Or maybe just one of the most special moments I had with my girl.

Some time ago - I think it was before Christmas (how come I don't exactly recall the date?!) - Lenara was ready to send 3 of her 4 suckers ("Shnoolie" = Schnulli in German) to the sucker fairy. She had the idea to put them in a gift box, with a bow and a cookie and then set in outside of the door (it was Daddy's weekend at the time). I had called the sucker fairy on her cell phone the previous morning to let her know Lenara was hoping for a yellow wrapped gift. I had told her she could wish for something. I thought it was funny, that all that mattered to her was the yellow wrapping! Anyway, she was all excited that the sucker fairy brought her a gift - which meant, the sucker fairy exists and this is not a trick or something. So I told her, whenever she was ready to give up her last sucker, she should let me know and I would call the fairy again.

But she wasn't ready. By the time most of her friends had given up their Schnullis. I tried to be patient, yet the moments when I was fed up with searching for this holy one and only sucker at least once a day. I told her that I thought she could do it without. Trying not to put any pressure on her, but rather encouraging her and believing in her.

During our vacation in January we couldn't find her Schnulli one day. We seriously thought she had lost it somewhere outside. I thought to myself, ok, if that's the way it goes... we'll take this chance. But she was crying and crying. "I can't go to sleep without my Schnulli, I need my Schnulli"... it was heartbreaking. Grandma Astrid luckily kept on searching and finally found the Schnulli under the waste bag. (whatever)

Her friend's Schnulli went on vacation to Africa recently. It even sent back postcards to let little Sam know that it was doing well, but didn't know if it would come back, because he loved the adventures. He'd rather continue sending postcards. And after a couple rough nights - he accepted the Schnulli being on vacation and doesn't miss it anymore. Lenara was pretty impressed, when I told her, Sam can now sleep without it. Next time we saw him, she told him "I'm sleeping without my Schnulli as well." She sounded really convincing, but I thought... hey, it's such a lie!

During the past weeks, she brought it up a couple of times. But always added "once I'm older, I can also sleep without my Schnulli. But I'm still quite little". Sigh. Trying to continue being patient.

SOOOOOOOOO, today, out of the BLUE, she suddenly said this morning "Mommy, I will wrap my Schnulli today, please call the sucker fairy. I want a blue gift this time." What??? I wasn't sure, if she was being serious. I asked her a couple of times to be sure, before I called the fairy. But she insisted and seemed very confident in her decision. So after taking a bath tonight, she wanted to suck it a last time and then she wrapped it. I could tell, she was rethinking it all. She said, we can only bring the box outside after having read the goodnight story. Two stories. She needed just a little bit more time. I was nervous, she would want it back. And I was nervous about how to react then. We had come so far this time!

But, she surprised me. She put it outside our door and went straight to bed. We talked for a little bit in the dark. I kept reassuring her that she can do it, and I'd be there to help her. I was nervous, it would take forever for her to fall asleep and I was ready for having some rough nights ahead. I had sprayed some "sleep well scent" on her pillow (just in case... hehe) and I talked to her some sentences to start relaxing (like for hypnosis), something like "your eyes get real heavy and tired, now your arms want to go to sleep etc." - I think it rather worked for me to stay calm. And she fell asleep WITHIN MINUTES!!!! My girl who would never go to sleep without her Schnulli and even than often took half an hour or longer to fall asleep.

I'm impressed. Simply impressed. What a girl! What a good good way of ending this era! I would have never thought this would work. But I'm soooo extremely glad I chose this way and tried to be patient with this f*** sucker all this time. It was definitely worth it! I'm so thankful. Sooo thankful. And also a bit relieved to be honest.

I'm still a little nervous, what happens, if she wakes up tonight. Or about tomorrow night when there won't be a gift the next morning... but hey, I'm optimistic. I'm using the secret once again.

The proudest mother ever!

What...?!

Listen to this: Lenara (my TWO-year-old) and I were sitting at the dinner table just recently.

Lenara: Mommy....
Mommy: What is it, honey?
Lenara: Mommy, I think, you have a weight problem.
Mommy: What????!???

So 4 people within 3 weeks either asked, if I'm pregnant or I'd be having weight problems. Something's going real wrong here... (and honestly, I think that's why Lenara mentioned it, bc she had heard me angrily quote the earlier stories.). My...

Thomas Gordon: PET (Familienkonferenz)

I have a book recommendation for you. My friend had a copy of this book with her when we recenly spent a long weekend at Center Parcs Moselle (Alsace, France) - review yet to follow. I read a few pages and couldn't stop myself from reading on and on. Back home I immediately ordered my own (used and very cheap) copy. It's a classic. My Mom said, she had read it, when I was little. But she also said: It didn't work for us kids. How come I already know...

From Amazon.com:

P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began almost forty years ago as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolving family conflicts so everybody wins. This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world -- and it will work for you. Now revised for the first time since its initial publication, this groundbreaking guide will show you:
How to avoid being a permissive parent
How to listen so kids will talk to you and talk so kids will listen to you
How to teach your children to "own" their problems and to solve them
How to use the "No-Lose" method to resolve conflicts

Using the timeless methods of P.E.T. will have immediate results: less fighting, fewer tantrums and lies, no need for punishment. Whether you have a toddler striking out for independence or a teenager who has already started rebelling, you'll find P.E.T. a compassionate, effective way to instill responsibility and create a nurturing family environment in which your child will thrive.

It is really inspiring to me. I keep reading it and try out what works for us. A lot of learning and improving to be done by parents. But to me it's a goal. A philosophy that I want for my own family life. Even if it doesn't work right away nor always and for every situation (I don't know yet). But I'm determined to find out...

Quiet time vs. nap time

A couple of weeks ago I installed "quiet time" instead of "nap time". Lenara seemed to take forever again for falling asleep in the evenings. So I figured, maybe she needs less sleep and we should stop napping. On some days it works for her without napping. On some days she just falls asleep on the couch next to me. Which is ok as well.

So what does our quiet time look like? After lunch and cleaning up the kitchen, we relax on the couch. I turn up relaxing music (usually meditation, taichi etc.) and I read, surf online, do some knitting or make fairies. Basically something quiet that means quality time for me. And since I haven't found time for those kind of things lately (bc usually I work at night or spend time with my man), it feels sooo good to be doing those things. Lenara loves watching me. Sometimes she starts looking at a book or playing with her dolls. Sometimes - like right now - she followed what I was doing online and suddenly fell asleep all curled up like a puppy. I'll let her sleep for like half an hour, not much longer. Because my goal is for her to be really tired in the evenings - meaning dinner by 6:30pm, bed time at 7pm, sleeping by 7:30pm.

If she naps for an hour she's usually in bed by 8pm and asleep by 8:30-9ish. Which is way too late, if I need to get things done. Plus, the later it gets, the more tired I am myself.

I also have a new rule, in case she doesn't fall asleep in the evenings and I need to get work done. Instead of lying next to her for hours and getting upset, I take her with me on the couch and let her fall asleep there. I dim the lights or only have candles on, turn on the above mentioned meditation music and work. My computer is right next to the couch. So she can see me and feel comfortable without any pressure to fall asleep. When I first did this, I felt really bad. What kind of mother am I to make my baby sleep on the couch?! But I realized, she is relaxed and has a chance to fall asleep in her own way & I am relaxed and don't feel torn between two important "things". I watched her sleep on the couch and it's just like in bed - very peaceful. No reason to feel guilty. What a good solution!

Diaper Horror

OK, I'm in a bad mood today. You can tell. So I'll throw this out as well:

I'm sooooo sick of changing diapers!!!!

I've been changing at least 5 diapers with at least 2 big duties a day for the past 2 years! I'm so done with it.

Will this era ever end???

Feelings of a Single Mom

I know this is not a new topic, yet today it hit me again. Maybe even more because I feel sick and I have a bad cold. Which is why I had to cancel a get together with a dear friend whom I don't see too often. Instead I asked Philipp to come over in the afternoon and take care of our girl. So I could have a break and take care of myself.

Lenara is getting all excited when Daddy is coming. When the doorbell rings she's running out in the hallway and I have to stop her from running down the stairs to meet him (she's not able to run downstairs yet that's the only reason...). It's so good to see the two of them happily reunited.

Yet, as soon as he enters our apartment, it seems like I am not existing anymore. He took her out for a walk today. We have a rule to say goodbye properly to each other. So after reminding her, she at least says a quick goodbye to me. When they got back after 2 hours we had dinner together. I could tell that Lenara loved to have him over for dinner. The two of them have their little jokes and giggles. Lenara is full of energy and all happy and excited.

Which I do understand and I really am happy for them. It also shows that my philosophy and my behaviour toward her Dad was worth all the hard times I used to have.

But, when I see them together like that and Lenara doesn't notice me anymore, I start wondering, if we ever have this much fun together. Then it seems like our days are filled with "wait a minute", "let me do this first", "hold on", "one second", "sure we can go to the playground, but we need to stop by the mail office first"... One thing is, I miss times when my head is truely free to only enjoy the playing moment. I know we have those moments too, but it always feels like I have to make room for them. The other thing is, I'm jealous, bc whenever Daddy sees his girl, he doesn't have any obligations (no cooking meals, no cleaning dishes, no doing laundry, no taken the garbage out, no grocery shopping, no paper work, no worrying about if she eats vegetables or not, no worrying about fighting over rules, no official appointments, no working with a sick baby in his arms etc.). He can simply do everything she wants him to do all day long.

Daddy Superstar.

I don't blame him. If I was in his position I would do just the same and enjoy the rare time with my girl.

Yet, I wonder, if I'll ever be Mommy Superstar. I know it's not even about Lenara's perspective. Mommys just are Superstars to the kids (at least I hope so). I just wish I could feel it more often and not let the distant "wait a sec" moments and all the things I'm not getting accomplished like I had imagined in the way.

Which is especially hard with such a dull stuffy head. Argh.

Financial Management

Uff! February is over. Almost. This month I tried to keep track of my financials very seriously as from now on I'll have 200 Euros less than before. For Februar I got 829 € unemployment support (Alg 2 for me and L), about 200 € child support from my ex, and 184 € child benefits. Substracting my monthly fixed costs (like lease, insurances, electricity, phone/internet, nanny) there are about 450 € left for food, toiletries, gas, medicine, gifts and "fun" extras (like wool for knitting, coffees to go, thrift store goodies, clothes). I calculate about 200 € for food from the discount grocery store (which I'll have to recheck, if it's true at all). Turns out this month I spent about 20 € OVER THE BUDGET!

I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I mean, ONLY 20 Euros. That's pretty close to the goal and incredibly good, considering I haven't watched every penny. I just overall tried to safe as much as I could. On the other hand it means, I should be safing EVEN MORE money. In fact it means no more thrift store shopping for fabric OR using my car only half of the month OR not drinking coffee anymore OR (I think that's what I'll do) not buy diapers anymore.

I was hoping the result would be more clear as it should be the basis for my decision whether I have to get a job on the side or not. I'm allowed to earn 100 € extra without loosing (parts of) the unemployment support. But it will be hard to find an official job for that little amount of money, plus one that fits into my schedule with Lenara (the options basically are working at night from home or taking her with me during the day).

Maybe I'll wait another month and first of all try selling more stuff on ebay and the local second hand baby fairs. And maybe making some little girls' dresses to sell on DaWanda. I seriously should find out the terms & conditions at DaWanda.com. I don't think it'll bring a lot of money, as a lot of people are selling similar stuff, but I could at least try (in the beginning 20 € would be just enough to keep my account in balance). It's something I can do from home at night. And it's something I want to get better at too. It's just not so easy to accomplish considering the last post is still valid: I feel very exhausted now. I have to be very careful with my time.

To be continued... I'll have to think everything over.

Does anyone know a well-off attractive Single willing to take care of us? I cut out on "attractive", if neccessary. LOL.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining too much. I'm really grateful that in Germany I have the option to stay home with my little girl for the first years - of course for the price of having a tiny budget. It really takes some skills to live with that budget, and I'm seriously proud of how well we are doing with it. Having worked as an account manager before wasn't all that bad. ;) And I know other families who don't have a bigger budget, even though both parents are working - which must be even more frustrating. Right now I'm in a transition phase. I got to figure out my general financial condition with this new budget and my priorities before moving on and being smart about decisions. Wish me luck (again).

Now I got to get ready to pick up Lenara from the Nanny -- 10 km by bike. Trying to implement my resolutions right away. Wish me luck (again). ;)

Priority management

These days I've been accomplishing a lot. But still I feel like I don't have enough time. I have so many creative projects on my mind. Yet I'm trying to force myself to finish the old ones, before I start new ones. Which works to some degree and then again not. Then I start something new and stay up late at night, bc I know I won't have time to finish it over a couple of evenings. There are things in my apartment I'd like to organise, some small things like unpacking bags (there are 4 bags by now, I don't even remember what's in them) or ironing a couple of items. Yet I don't get to do it. Last night I stayed up too long again. Which ended in a headache all day today. I took the longest nap with Lenara and still she had to pull me out of bed afterwards, bc I was still so tired. I am interested in looking into the job issue, but yet I don't find a quiet minute to do so. I think today my body sent me a pretty clear warning sign once again. I have to rethink my priorities right now. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and unsatisfied, it's usually the priorities that are not clear. I'm trying to accomplish everything at the same time, and yet it leads to nothing really accomplished in the end. Plus I was looking forward to meeting a dear friend with her family today, and it didn't work out. Frustrating. I think Lenara was really bored and annoyed with her tired Mommy today. So she kept provoking me with things she's not supposed to do. But it was too obvious that she was simply trying to play with me and get my attention. So I couldn't be mad at her. Yet I had a hard time focusing on her, bc I was so tired and trying to figure out what's wrong with my priorities right now. These past weeks I really liked the slow speed of my life. But somehow I feel like it's speeding again now. 24 hours are not enough. And I remember times in my life where I had the same thought. So I take this as an alert and very serious. I have a free morning tomorrow (so L won't get sick overnight and I can't bring her to the Nanny tomorrow, fingers crossed!). Will use it to relax and think. Not do or accomplish stuff. Wish me luck.

Added later:
And I feel so bad that I teach my little girl to pick up her stuff every night before going to bed, and I don't get to pick up my own stuff. Makes me feel horrible. What a bad example I am.

Being tolerant

I just had one of the most intense motherhood moments this afternoon. I'm afraid, not in a good way. And not related to Lenara (that's the good part about it). Being a mother in fact not only means having a child, trying to be the best mother you can be and trying to handle all the new challenges this brings to your own life (marriage, grandparents, work, money, free time... and and and). That's one part - for sure. But there's another part, which sometimes leads me into a deep inner-conflict. Namely:

Interacting with other Moms.

Last summer when I was talking to one of my friends, who is not a mother, I said something that provoked a lot of irritation and incomprehension on the opposing side of the table. Without thinking much about it, I stated something like: "It's hard to be friends with people who have a completely different understanding or philosophy of the way they raise their children. So in the end you tend to be friends with parents who share a common philosophy. Which might also cause an alienation to former friends." After her shocked reaction I got very confused and worried about myself. Ever since, once in a while this conversation crosses my mind and I ask myself: Am I too intolerant and judging people in a way I shouldn't?

Today I went for a walk with Lenara. We really had a good time - walking, jumping, singing, collecting wood for the bird mobile. Then we bumped into another mother with her daughter, who is about 9 months older than Lenara. We had introduced ourselves last summer as coincidentally we had bumped into each other a couple of times in a row. We hadn't seen them for months, so we were excited to see them again. We chatted for a while and the girls warmed up to one another - playing catch around us after a while. Very amusing to watch. And I - feeling socially isolated sometimes - was excited to bump into someone and realize - there actually are people nearby who are interested in us.

To make this story a bit shorter: the longer we talked the more I kept realizing that I don't agree with everything she said and that slowly the feeling of being annoyed started predominating the original feeling of being excited. But the longer we talked, the more the girls enjoyed each other. Which ended in the other Mom inviting us over to their house - which we were basically standing in front of. The feeling of being thrilled about someone spontaneously inviting us over predominated the feeling of being annoyed for a second. In we went.

Lenara was all excited about the other girls' many many toys. The huge problem was, that as soon as we were inside, the other girl turned from friendly to possesive and refused to share her toys. She took away every toy Lenara touched. She wanted to sit on the chair Lenara was sitting on and so on. I know it's a phase the little ones go through figuring out "mine & your's" - alright. This was the first time, Lenara (and I) were faced with such a strong reaction (including screaming, crying, pushing, throwing things).

First I felt sorry for Lenara, who got more insecure with every minute. Usually she gets scared when other children cry (Lenara herself never really cries unless she's in pain). This time she just seemed very puzzled and thinking about what she had done wrong. I tried to back her up by telling her that she had done nothing wrong and next time we would have to ask her friend, if we could use this or that toy and find an agreement. But the other girl was taken away by her emotions. And it's not like I can't understand. If my Mom would bring home a friend I hardly know with her daughter, who both mothers are complimenting overwhelmingly and she'd be taking my car or using my computer without my permission, I'd be furious too. Even more when my Mom was telling me, I would be the one who's wrong.

Anyway, I tried to think of a way to calm the situation down. From experience talking, being precise and pointing out options has always helped so far. I know I could have explained Lenara easily that she should take another toy, because her friend was having difficulties with sharing right now. Or I suggested that they take turns. Or play together. Or she should show Lenara how to use this or that. Or that the other girl should pick one toy that Lenara could play with, so she could keep control for now and slowly adjust to a common playing environment. As much as I agree the older girl has to learn sharing, I think it's important that Lenara starts learning that she can't just take things, but she has to ask and realize not everyone is willing to share all the time. Dealing with disappointment and frustration is part of life and she'll have to get used to handling it. The best I can do is to chaperon this process instead of avoiding it or solving it for her. Either we would have found a good solution for everyone, or if nothing would have helped, we would have left in order not to over-extend the kids' capacity of taking such an emotional emergency and we could have come back another time. Probably the other girl would have been disappointed then (as I know she likes to have friends over), and maybe have learnt the lesson: not sharing = not playing together. Just to give you an idea about the way I judged the situation.

But the other mother kept yelling at her girl. At a volume that left a ring in my ear. Ignoring all my ways of trying to negotiate with the girl, giving her attention and serving as a mediator leaving the problem on the girls' level. Instead the mother told her daughter she would be evil, she wouldn't want her as a daughter like that, she wouldn't recognize her, she would be the older one and expected to share with the baby (don't you call my girl baby!) and her (the Mom) would be crying, if she didn't give Lenara the toy (what? It might have helped to stick to the truth - Lenara was sad, she was the one close to crying). Then again she switched to hugging and kissing her, asking her to be a good girl. Right before sending her off to her room for such misbehaviour and crying. How confusing, painful and emberassing that must be!

I just realize how hard this is to explain while I'm writing it down. Does it make any sense?

The other Mom I guess was emberassed of her daughter's behaviour, trying to teach a lesson and trying to protect Lenara. She only involved herself and her daughter in the conflict, without giving us a chance to interact and solve the problem among the 4 of us - whereas it actually should have remained a problem between the two girls. But as she was ignoring Lenara's reaction and everything I suggested, she simply avoided a real solution in my eyes. This was leading nowhere.

Plus, I felt treated disrespectfully myself by being ignored - as an individual and as my role as Lenara's mother. In my eyes we as parents should teach the children how to handle those situations in a good way. How to handle those intense emotions - that are just part of growing up. All she did was accusing her daughter in front of us in a way that I thought was inappropriate - using words that I thought are inappropriate.

I know I'm very sensitive (maybe over-sensitive) about this issue after having heard so much about the results of such behaviour at the psychotherapy hospital and having read psychological books (which include some of the phrases she used in the exact same words).

So I found myself in a really bad situation: in a room full of bad energy, trying to protect Lenara, trying to protect the other girl, trying to find a solution, trying not to accuse the other mother, wishing Lenara wouldn't have to witness all of that, feeling insecure myself about this kind of situation, trying to be polite to the host, trying not to judge.

Trying to be tolerant.

When we got home, my hands were shaking. That's how intense this experience was. I know it's not my right to judge or interfere in the way someone raises their child (why not acutally? Bc in our culture raping someone physically is condemned, but raping someone with words is not?). I know there are reasons for this mother to act this way. I know she has a different cultural background and has had some hard parts in her life (who hasn't though?!). Also I do not know the history of their mother-daughter-conflict. I know she loves her child and only wants the best for her. I know my solutions are not always the best either. I haven't had this problem with my own daugther yet, who knows how I would or will react then. I know I'm not a perfect mother either. I know I can't prevent Lenara from witnessing such scenes. I know.

Yet, it's my choice not to spend an afternoon with them again.

q.e.d.

Perception Management

Being a mom can be alienating, confusing, and frustrating.

I just wanted to get that out there. Sometimes, I feel that way. Not all the time, not frequently, but occasionally. It's usually when I feel like I am not getting support that I self alienate even more and then I get confused and then, frustrated. It's a great trio. Usually followed by lots of chocolate. Dark, delicious chocolate.

I feel lots of feelings as I raise another human being. And, I thought that everyone assumed that I am vulnerable to these feelings.

But, apparently not. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she likes the pictures that I post on facebook, but that they are only part of the picture, and went on to say something along the thought that I was managing perceptions. Alluding to, that I only show the fun and happy times.

Maybe I'm sensitive. But, what does that mean? Am I one of those people who magnifies the positive and tries to erase the negative? But, to me, I seem so realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. So, I doubt that. (See what I mean?)

Anyway, this is my attempt at proving normality. My first attempt, and the recent circumstantial evidence on my iPhone.

Feelings. I've got them. Even though David says he's only seen me cry once. (Doesn't he mean once a month?) To you, my dear friend, I want you to know that I get terrified and in cold sweats sometimes worrying about an untimely demise or unforseen danger, or who she could be entrusted to if we had an untimely demise. I try to think of everything that I can do to protect her and provide a great environment for the darling.

All of these thoughts are fleeting, but they do occur (always untimely), like while we are making bread or perhaps while I'm nursing her to sleep. Olivia is so precious, and she means the world to me. I take pictures then. I take pictures when I feel frustrated and have to breathe, and laugh, or else I'd cry sometimes. But, how could I get mad, she's so darn fun. And, there's usually a pretty good reason why she does the things she does. Like, wanting to play peek a boo with the mat under the dog dish. Or learning about floating, sinking, and absorbing in the dog's dishes for the millionth day in a row.

A great sense of humor. A good reminder to laugh.




It was easy to clean up.


Boone is hairy and I clean up more after Boone than I do Olivia. Or, at least it feels like it. But, the flip side is that he loves Olivia and we love him.


Creating learning experiences is messy. For the both of us.











Overall, I feel good. I love my life. The downs as well. I think that is the picture that I want to paint, more than anything else. I strive to be a better me. I get lost sometimes about what that means when I follow my head but my heart is always constant about seeking happiness and maintaining some sort of clumsy composure. I guess that what I want to say is that I'm not the girl who poses an iPad in the background to brag or intentionally posting pictures of "only the good stuff", but who takes pictures when in an argument or having a rotten day? I can, if that's what it takes. You aren't the one who said the comment about 'perception management' but I want to be real with you. And, I think I am. I think. But, being a good friend, and with this being an open forum, I thought it would be a good discussion place about the many FEELINGS and the unpretty amidst all the BEAUTY that comes with motherhood. And, that it's okay, in my opinion to document the good because that's what is worth remembering.

I want to hear from my mom that she was exhausted sometimes, but I don't want to read about it, every time she was. Ya know? You know!
I know you know!

So, when you feel a flood of emotions or when I do, let's post about it. But, without suppression or perception management, let's sew and explore and create until our hearts content. That's what I'm all about.

Is this even making sense? I sure hope so.

Dear friend, I'm a wreck sometimes. Next time, I'll take a picture! : )

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Catonsville, Maryland

Germany's back!

Hey there Conovers and all our lovely readers! We're back! As you've probably noticed, as I've left quite some comments. ;) Yes, Jenn, I missed our blog. Thanks for posting so much! What a joy to get back online! And thanks for your detailled update. Yay, for the baby making part! I'm telling you, everything will work out fine at a time it's supposed to work out. Don't worry too much. You've done it once (and did a good job). You'll do it again. I'm so excited for you guys. Please keep sharing your thoughts (and results!)... I'm very willing to support you... emotionally I mean, I don't know what my role could look like physically... ;)

About our vacation: We had so much fun. What a time-out! Best weather, enough snow, quite some skiing and sledding, taking turns babysitting, taking turns doing the puzzles for the 100006th time, waking up to the smell of coffee and a set breakfast table every morning, barely having to think about cooking, barely having to wipe anything, not having to change every single (!) diaper myself, cake every afternoon, company (aka my parents) every night, not feeling guilty about watching TV every night and... and... and... we definitely enjoyed our slow winter days!



Vacation inspiration:

In the future not get stuck online so much with useless things (like browsing through Facebook-Photo-Albums of people I don't even know, or not finding an end to browsing sewing projects...), rather turn on the computer during nap time and not in the evening

Living offline was such a quality. I finished 4 little knitting projects (a matching scarf for Lenara's hat, a double layer for said hat to make it even warmer, a crochetted flower, socks for Maruun and a felt banana for Lenara's food basket and/or her stuffed monkey). And I really enjoyed watching TV again. I haven't really turned on the TV in quite a while. But it didn't feel like I have missed anything. All those old shows are still the same basically. It was good to enjoy for this amount of time, but I know I won't need to turn on the TV in the future (except for assorted shows or movies).

I'm thinking about getting an 8hrs/week job. I knew before that I will have a major money issue from February on, but I wasn't sure about having the energy to handle a real job. But imagine I won't turn on the computer nor the TV every night, this gives me a couple of extra hours, I could use for something useful - like making money (or sewing, I know). My Dad has some information about a possible job (inserting data into an online database). I've done it before as a summer job during Highschool times. It's boring, but easy. And most important: probably flexible enough that I could do it from home sometime during the week. My goal is to get more information about it and find out, if and how it could work. Still I think, 8 hours is a lot - considering I only have about 2 hours to myself every night and I also have to relax a bit to keep up my energy level (which is a real factor due to my history and single mom conditions). I know most working Moms would laugh at me, but 8 hrs without any extra babysitting (which I can't afford) is a big committment for me. Yet, I know I'll be thankful for every extra Euro and I know I'd feel better, if I earned a bit money on my own and slowly gain a feeling for the working world again (which I'm still so afraid of, I just don't get over this trauma, it's so frustrating). I came home very motivated.

Tonight - after day one of leading my own life again and being responsible for everything on my own (including my little girl) - I'm not quite as motivated anymore. It's 10:15 at night and I feel very very tired. I'm not close to having done everything I had on my personal list for tonight (doing laundry, calling a friend, checking our blog, uploading pictures, getting a to do list done for the upcoming week, checking my finances). If I was doing that/a job, I would still be working for another 15 minutes. And I would have not yet been able to organize ANYTHING of my personal life. That thought makes me sad. And confused: I feel like I don't have enough personal time even now. Yet, I need the money. What should I do? My Mom offered to take Lenara a couple of hours let's say every Wednesday afternoon. That would help get some working time in during the day. Yet, I feel like I don't have enough free/play time with Lenara myself even now. I mean, during the day I have to get done or organize so many other things at the same time (meals, cleaning, mail, important phone calls, grocery shopping), or she's at the day nanny's or we're at playgroup, or at the single parents meeting or we visit with some of our many family members, or we're at a playdate (basically my only occasion to be social, so usually we're trying to get some adult talk in, while entertaining the kids) - or she's at daddy's 3 days in a row. I enjoy the days, when I have nothing important on my list and we can just hang out all day long and see what the day has in store for us (interrupted by preparing meals of course, hard to skip that part) without having to worry about naps taken on time, being somewhere on time, getting into the car to go anywhere... those pure play moments, when I feel that magical close connection with my daughter are rare, or I should rather say very short moments spread over the day - which is clearly not the same. Getting back to my point, giving her away another afternoon for babysitting just feels like another time I'm losing her and having to split up our week in one more little piece. Yet, I know I'll "lose" her to Kindergarten at some point anyway. And many other Mom's are working by now and have their kids at daycare all week - so what am I complaining about? Am I holding on too much? Am I far far from reality? Am I a lazy a*** for trying to avoid work in order to spend quality time with my girl? Working at night when it doesn't affect any Mommy-Daughter-Interaction therefore seems like a good solution. Yet, I do worry about my own energy and my abililty to organize our personal life (not even talking about upholding those few attempts of following a hobby, like sewing i.e.), if I miss those evening hours. Yet, I need some money... duh! Frustrating!!!!

How did this post end this way? I was only going to post some nice holiday impressions...

Stomache flu

Due to given reason here are some dishes that qualify for a stomache flu diet:

1. Zwieback and camomille tea for breakfast
2. water, tea, water...
3. Mashed potatoes mixed with plain broth (no butter or milk) for lunch
4. Grated apples with Zwieback crums for dessert
5. water, tea, water...
6. Pretzel sticks and crackers for snack
7. water, tea, water...
8. Rice with broth or rice with tomatoes for dinner
9. water, tea, water...

Yummie! Yesterday while I was preparing this for Lenara (she threw up all night), I really thought, wow, that's not a bad diet at all. But as I just returned from the bathroom myself... I'm not quite sure anymore.

Blue Christmas Time

As much as I love the Advent and Christmas time, as much it's hitting me again that I'm alone and I'm feeling this deep sadness about the family I had once pictured, but which never happened... I hope there will be a time when Christmas time is just a peaceful loving holiday in my heart again.

All I want for Christmas...

Lastnight, the scariest thing happened. I can't stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and also, how grateful that I am for the way things turned out. I can't not look away for a second. My little girl could've been badly injured, but she wasn't. We went to some friends' house in the Washington DC area. They had some toys out and I sat in front of the fireplace, just so Olivia didn't fall on the mesh wiring in front of the fireplace. The fireplace wasn't turned on (it was gas). As we were playing and talking and Olviia was playing, the husband turned on the fireplace and didn't say anything. It caught Olivia's eye and she went to touch it. Instead, something scared her and she only touched the guard. She was startled because she got burned on her hands and nose just a tiny bit. I mean, I don't know how it could have been so small. Olivia cried and we examined her. I got upset but tried not to direct at anyone. I was upset that Olivia was in David's line of vision when it happened. I was super upset at the idiotic thought that someone had to turn on the fireplace with a toddler around, AND not say anything. But mostly, I am/was upset at myself for not protecting my daughter.


David ran out right after the burn happened. He procured two items and a lollipop, which Olivia's little burned hand clenched so tight that I didn't know how I was going to get her to stop eating the giant lolly. But, I was so glad she was holding it and didn't seem to bother her.

It happened so fast. It was like one of those small little gaps in time that I just let my guard down for a second. Olivia cried and cried, mostly because we were so scared, I think. Also, I know how the smallest burns hurt and keep hurting when the coldness wears off, and then hurts again when something touches the fragile skin. My poor little baby's fragile skin. Olivia's fingertips have little lines on them. Her nose has a blister. David ran to the pharmacy to get some burn cream. We walked with Olivia out in the hallway of the apartment building just to get away from the scene of the crime. I got a couple of laughs from Olivia and that calmed my heart. David showed up and began an intense game of peek-a-boo, and Olivia giggled, which made my heart calm. I was so upset. So upset, like I didn't even want to be there anymore. I didn't want to go in and have dinner that they made (ya, I'm kinda an asshole) because I was only wanting to yell about their stupidity. When, it was my fault. I am the one responsible for my daughter, despite who else is around and despite what anyone else does.

Olivia has been doing so many new things lately. She wants to communicate so much. Our hands get guided and pulled on and pushed if she wants something. She waves our hands for us if she is too shy. And, she pushes our faces in the direction that she wants us to turn. Let me just restate, I was soooo upset. I was livid and tried to keep things in perspective. I know that everyone got to the "everything is okay" status faster than I did. David and I were out in the hall and all Olivia wanted was for us to kiss. She kept pushing our faces together and smiling, then laughing. How could we resist? I couldn't! We kissed and made up. We said some things that were kind of snappy toward each other but we did get a good lesson in "Mom, I'm fine, Dad, I'm fine"...relax, but not too much (when Olivia is around fire)!

So, I got all I wanted for Christmas. I do believe in miracles.

What a day - uff!!!

This will be labeled "STRUGGLING". Definitely "S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G".

I'm sitting on my couch very exhausted. My back hurts. I feel like crying, because we had such a difficult afternoon/evening, and I feel like everything I did was wrong. I'm praying that L. won't wake up too often this evening, so I can calm down and get some energy back.

Ok, what happened.

First of all, I'm annoyed because L. is sick AGAIN. Since September we've only had a couple of days without any running nose, coughing, ear infection, fevers. She got a running nose on Friday and last night the fever and bad mood started again. Of course the nights are very unquiet again too. Today would have been a daynanny day. I was looking forward to it (like always!). But nope, not for us. She hasn't gone there in a while, bc either L. was too sick to go or last week the daynanny cancelled bc she was sick. I HATE those decision, can I bring her or not - is the current type of running nose ok, or too infectious for the other kids? Will it be too exhausting for L. if I sent her with a cold? Am I the bad mother, if I sent her, even though I'm not working, but staying at home anyway? Those working mother's have a good excuse to send their kids as soon as the fever has gone. My only reason is, to have some private time to myself - is that a good enough reason? Especially after just having had a full daddy weekend. But this past daddy weekend - I worked through it (the doll, designing a flyer for a friend). It was kind of like real "working" back in the day, I forgot to eat, to drink, to take breaks... and I didn't take my afternoon naps that I usually take with L. So no wonder, I'm exhausted. Although I liked doing the things I did this weekend. But relaxing has a different quality. So yeah, I guess I was pissed that I couldn't get my day off today.

I tried to take it easy. We had a good day (including taking a shower together, baking xmas cookies, going for a walk) - until we got back from our walk.

L. and I have a disagreement on the stairs. This has been going on for a while. This used to be one of my major (and so far only) educational problems. Adding: I was proud of many other little situations, that I felt like being able to control and deal with in a really good matter. The problem is: We live on the second floor (actually 2.5 floors up) and it's not always possible to carry not-so-little-anymore L. up the stairs. Especially when I have one or two grocery bags with me, it just doesn't work anymore. So I tried to get her used to walking on her own - always, so she could learn it as a rule. I know she's capable of doing it, as during the summer she did it with pride. Now she's getting moody. On the first step she usually starts whining and let's herself fall down as if her legs would be wax (while I hold her hand) - "carry, carry". So what do I do? I talk to her in a very serious way, explaining, that I can't carry her, as I have heavy bags or whatever, she's a big girl, I need her to walk. That usually doesn't change anything. When this happens on a walk outside, and I feel like talking won't help anymore - I walk away from her a little bit, without looking back, so she gets a chance to realize that I'm being serious about continuing this walk and her behaviour isn't helping her. But the staircase is no place, where you leave a child to herself. I tried doing it, walked up one level - until she would call me back. It works most of the time. Yet I am soooo worried, that she will try to walk the stairs by herself, fall and get injured. So I know that's not a good solution. Still I want to teach her a rule for the stairs - as otherwise I'm going crazy. Whenever I thought she's too tired, I didn't want to force her to walk all the way up. Even for me it's exhausting walking up there sometimes, so a little girl who's not even half the size of me, might be overwhelmed. I didn't want to pressure her. Yet, I realized this makes it hard for me to establish a rule, as she probably doesn't understand, why I am carrying her up sometimes, and sometimes not. I haven't found a good solution yet. So I decided to take the backcarrier with me all the time, so I could start putting her in their again for walking up the stairs, just to avoid this stress for me (and her probably too) for a while - until I have new inspiration how to deal with this difficult situation.

Today I forgot to bring the backcarrier with me! Big drama on the staircase followed. I believe my neighbors think I'm a witch and a really aggressive bad mother, as I always get seriously loud in the hallway. It drives me crazy. I know this is one of these situations you always read about, when parents need to be consistent and children try extorting their will. So parents better know what they want/do, establish a rule and be patient and forceful. Why is my first really stressful education lesson taking place on the stairs - dammit?! I have no idea, what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, we somehow got up there.

But the bad news today was, that another couple of situations came up when we seriously disagreed. And I struggled with being straight in my behaviour - more or less, bc I was confused what would be the right thing to do. She kept throwing down toys today. I told her a couple of times that she should stop it, as they will break. She purposefully threw down a basket with little toys right in front of me... I got angry... and asked her to pick it up right now. She kept running away. I REALLY wanted to show her that her behaviour was wrong, so I brought her back to the scene. She kept running away - enjoying the game. Since I realized this wasn't teaching the lesson. I turned it into a game from my side: Hey, Lenara, what is this? She was proud to know what it was and put it back in the basket. Result: Toys back in the basket, BUT has she learned the lesson about not trowing toys? I don't think so. So I was frustrated - for the second time.

Next we were picking up the living room as part of our evening routine before having dinner together. Usually I tell her exactly what to do (pick up this and put it there), in order to give her orientation and clear tasks. In the end, of course I pick up most of the stuff, but it's important to me, that we are busy picking up things at the same time, so she learns it's a neccessary thing to do - and usually we both really enjoy it. Which is, why I continue doing it, bc I'm hoping picking up things will be a positive experience for her and won't turn into a problem, like I hear from many families. Today (my lucky day), she didn't listen. I could tell, she clearly understood would I was saying as she was looking at the specific toy, smiled back at me and walked into a different direction, starting to play with something else. I really got angry and told her we couldn't have dinner as long as the living room wasn't picked up (I know, pointing out consequences is a good means). She didn't care. Pointing out consequences didn't work. Or I picked a wrong consequence - I don't know. So I took her and placed her on the couch, telling her to sit, until I'm finished with picking up and vacuum cleaning (which I had wanted to do tonight anyway) - I know time-outs are supposed to work. Even though quite unsure, if it works for a 20-month-old. But I couldn't think of anything else. She kept sitting there. At least that. I felt stupid picking up her toys in front of her - as this was exactly what she wanted, I guess. I didn't pay attention to her - as I know, kids are trying to get attention with their bad behaviour and if you give it to them, even if it's bad energy also, they enjoy it and it enforces their bad behaviour, especially when they are smiling that knowing smile back at you like my girl did today. When I went into the bedroom to get out the vacuum cleaner, she got up and followed me - smiling, like we were going to play catch. With every smile I got more furious inside, trying to control myself and trying to keep my mind clear for some adequate educational measures. I brought her back on the couch and told her with a furiuos voice this time to sit until I tell her to get up. She sat, but she didn't seem impressed by my behaviour. I started vacuum cleaning - not paying attention to her. Then I also did the hall, bedroom and bathroom, as I really needed this "break" and gain some time to think of how to handle this situation better. After I had left the living room, I was almost positive she had left the couch right away - but what should I do? Go back and play her game? Not paying attention? Is she too small still to be left alone in a room for a couple of minutes? Are there any dangers? When I came back into the room, what did I see: L. had crawled on a chair and was eating the cookies that were left on the table. I had expected anything, but that. Of course, I yelled at her, but I was too tired to think of any more measurements. I just wanted to get this day over with - somehow peacefully. So I decided to also take down laundry, as I realized I needed more time (after the cookie incident) to calm down. MEANWHILE L. took all my shoes in the hall and "re-arranged" them, to say the least (she knows, she's not allowed to do that). So, my new goal was, this time I'm staying calm (hey, how much worse and more stressful can it get right now? I don't have anything to lose anymore today) and sitting with her as long is it takes until she puts the shoes back in order again. As I felt like I had failed to teach the right lesson during the incidents before, I got really ambitious to get at least one lesson through to her. So I made her sit down and held her tight, so she couldn't get up. Coincidentally she was facing away from me, which I thought was convenient, as I didn't have to face any smiles from her side. I told her, we could go have dinner as soon as she was ready to put back the shoes, as this was her mistake. When she said, she was ready the first time, she only got up and shyly played with the shoes. BUT not looking at me. First difference. I got the feeling she noticed that this wasn't a game anymore. I immediately made her sit back in the same place as before and held her tight again (I read this in a book, as really young infants don't understand all the explaining, they would understand it better, if they feel the force of the words on their body. This sounds weird, if I write it, those weren't the words the author used, I just have a hard time summarizing it in English. It's not about violence against kids - of course not! - but being physically stopped helps them to realize something is wrong and needs their attention, get it?). The second time she said she was ready, I noticed right away, that she was really willing to do it. And she did. My expectation wasn't that she would put them all in perfect order - I am considering her age - but I wanted to see her will to put them back somehow. Yeah, this somehow worked. Feeling relieved.

Afterwards we had a good, but very quiet dinner (no talking, laughing). I think we were both really really exhausted. Followed by the usual teeth brushing disagreement. But all her protest didn't help today, I just wanted to get it done and end the day. Of course, I felt sorry for her.

That is the problem. I feel like I feel sorry in the wrong places. I'm so insecure about how to handle the difficult situations right. All different kinds of advice pops up in my mind - and today I realized how controversial this is: Strictly pointing out the mistake and persisting on undoing it vs. not paying attention, when it's obvious that's all she's trying to get. And at the same time: If she's purposefully trying to get attention - even in this stressful way - am I not paying enough attention to her in general? Yet, I have been confronted with the critisicm of paying attention to her too much and focusing too much on her. Now what? I'm trying to get it right. I really am. But doesn't not-paying-attention in such a situation only aggravate the situation? I also heard that "ignoring" kids in any way is a crime. Is "not paying attention" the same as "ignoring"? Yelling would be a crime also they say. But how am I supposed to show my disapproval and get rid of my inner-tension/frustration in such a situation - if I don't want to get aggressive? Parents sometimes need a time-out too. And again: which of these measures are helpful for a 20-month-old?

Fact is, I'm really frustrated. I read 2 books about infant education that I approve of very much (one it stressing the gut feeling... which I like in theory, but "live" it's a whole different matter!!!). I felt like I'd be set up for such moments. I felt like I had a plan for the times when L. is starting to test her boundaries. But I didn't. And I finished one book about education last night (a recommendation of a friend - so I read it, even though I knew reading too many advice books will be confusing) - which I don't approve as I think he's to harsh and general with his negative views (Michael Winterhoff: Warum unsere Kinder Tyrannen werden, there's no English version of it). But that would be a whole nother post. But at the same time, today I realized that some parts of what he said influenced me and made me insecure. Which made me angry. Helpless. Stupid.

I know, I shouldn't be so strict with myself. I'm a beginner at this. And it's even harder, as I have to find my very own position since I don't have a partner to discuss this with or have someone who backs me up. Or is calming me down/reassuring me afterwards. Nobody except for me is witnessing those difficult sides of living with L. Everyone else just sees the happy, easy going child. Of course, because everybody else we meet is adoring her, giving her 100000000% attention, doing everything she wants. I'm the one who's responsible for teaching her the lessons, correcting and reflecting her, pointing out good from bad behaviour, for her growing up healthy. I'm the (only) one who has to compromise her own needs and her old life in order to bring up L. in a responsible good way - which in general I'm ok with, but today it makes me mad. There.

Am I responsible for my child having a cold all the time? I'm offering healthy food - is it my fault, that she won't it a lot of it? I'm putting warm clothes on her, always checking. We go outside every day. When she's sick I'm giving her the medicine accurately. Yet, it looks like the first cold hasn't really gone away, when the second one hits. Am I taking her to too many groups and activities? Is she stressed out (a psychosomatic cold)? Is there anything I'm doing wrong here? I know, some mother's tend to see it as their fault, if there's a problem, although it's just the way child-/motherhood goes. I don't want to be one of those Moms. But... aaaargh!

Here I am trying to give my best, but not knowing what that actually is in this case. (This stupid author left the impression, that parents' have no chance of getting it right anyway, and the child will take serious damage from it. Oh, how I hate to have read this stupid book).

Today wasn't the best day. I hope I'm growing into this, like I grew into everything else motherhood involved so far...

RE: Over an hour!!!

My comment was too long again:

Same here. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong, bc it feels like too great of a committment to hang in there every evening. On the other hand, I suppose it's only bc lots of people share the opinion that kids are supposed to sleep alone (which I do not agree in general). By now most evenings go pretty smooth and I enjoy taking a break and being close with my baby as well. And I know she also falls asleep with other people taking her to bed, so I don't worry about her getting too focused on me as a person.

But I always have the sentence in the back of my mind that babies shouldn't connect sleeping time with cuddling time as they learn to misunderstand their own needs. That kind of makes sense to me. I definitely support co-sleeping, but I wonder if other co-sleepers find a good way of separating falling asleep and cuddling. And yet, as I write this it seems ridiculous to me. If I had a choice, I would prefer falling asleep in someone's arms as well. And then again I think, why should we force us to separate these too things every night, when 95% of the cases we both prefer it this way.

Falling asleep actually is not the main problem anymore. I don't mind (most of the times) taking this break for 15-60 minutes. She lays down and tries to fall asleep - no being angry for being sent to bed or jumping on the bed anymore. So no more fights, which makes it easier. But I wish she wouldn't wake up again and again until she falls into the real deep sleep. There are few nights, she just sleeps and that's it. I can almost see a pattern (probably the sleeping phases, I didn't get into it yet): she wakes up 1 hour later, then every 20-30 minutes later (up to 4 times). And she gets worried/angry, bc I'm not next to her anymore. She tells me to lie down (literally: "lay down" pointing to my pillow). The more angry she got the longer it takes her to fall back asleep. So usually I hurry to go in there soon as I hear some weeping. Sometimes putting the pacifier back in does the job and I can go out right away. Lucky! But like I say, when she got angry about my leaving, it might take another 15 minutes. Sometimes it doesn't seem to "work" at all, so I take her back to the living room to prepare for going to bed (lights off, computer off, set alarm...) and then go to bed early myself - frustrating as I usually look forward to my 2 hours Mommy time -- no, Kerstin time I should rather say! Or very very few nights, she falls asleep on my lap and I can still do something (so my frustration level doesn't overflow).

And yet I wonder, why she hasn't learnt that I'm going out after she fell asleep and that I'm always coming, if she wakes up. No need to get angry. We've been doing this for almost all her life. Or maybe she has learnt that she has to be angry, so I come back? But this would involve that she realized not being angry doesn't make me come back - which has never been the case, I always came back within seconds maybe a minute. Or is it rather proof for the deep need of a child to be protected and not feel alone while sleeping? In other cultures co-sleeping is the normal thing until kids are 5 years old (in several cultures, so it seems like a certain natural change then). Maybe that's the natural age for children to learn and feel safe to sleep on their own.

So it seems like the peaceful falling asleep together has the price of her getting angry at me/me spending too much time waiting in bed, instead of enjoying my evenings. Any idea for a better solution? I don't have an outside view anymore... and there have been 3 weeks (a month ago before she got sick again) that she didn't wake up. I was hoping this would be a new era... but it obviously was a PHASE... (which I loved loved loved! And miss miss miss!)