Frustrating

It is hard to pick just one topic to write about because, well, I've never done this mothering thing before. Babysitting? Yes, no problem. Being a mom--totally different.

Well, maybe I'll talk about sleeping and the waking through the night (still!) or maybe eating, or perhaps family dynamics, or would it be more interesting to talk about diapering and how Olivia loathes it?

I've heard people say lately to repeat to yourself, "It's just a phase", over and over because that's the only sure thing about childhood. Depending on the minute, I can't figure out if it is supposed to be said with an endearing tone or an annoyed one.
How could I want the giggles and the cuddles to pass? But, how could I not want the screaming to?

Well, for this post, I will stick with eating since I am most pedantic about that topic at the moment. I've made a list and have tried to not worry so much but alas, I worry.

It goes a bit like this:

Phase 1.
We wake up around 7.
Well, Olivia wakes us up around 7.
Papa and I look at the clock, both of us attempt to be happy to be awake.
We're happy to see Olive, who is sooo infectiously happy in the morning (I have no idea how the two of us created a morning person).
Olivia breastfeeds like a starving maniac right when she wakes up which consists of her standing up but attached to me at her mouth, while I am lying down on my back, most mornings. Breastfeeding has gone beyond intimate and tender and is now a "Hook the car up to the gas tank" kind of intimacy. I produce the milk, she drinks it (while disinterested, pointing to her surroundings, yet still attached at my nipple). We get dressed for the day, brush teeth, and go downstairs. Mom is noticing that she has a "Mom uniform" and wants to replace it with a more trendy, fashionable look by Christmas. Current: jeans and a long sweater. Boring. Olivia dons tights under her outfit (we love to layer) and usually a nice warm knit since it's cold now.
Yes, this post is about eating and how frustrating it is to me, but why not break up the story with a little detail, eh?)

Phase 2. 7:45
We have gone past my crazy idea of thinking that she will still be hungry after this maniacal episode, so we skip a attempt a high-chair eating and head straight to the park, on a walk, or play inside...while I secretly am hoping that she is working up an appetite.

Phase 3. 8:45
Officially hungry, but not hungry enough to eat.
This phase of our "Trying to get Olivia to eat routine" makes me think of the saying "You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
This is where my mind goes blank. I try to give options, but after constant rejection, the floor, as well as my confidence that my child will eat, is diminishing in presence quickly. I believe in eating healthy food together, and talking. I'm not giving up on those two things. My daughter does communicate, and that, I admire. She has opinions that she is working on expressing, and I am listening.
If she doesn't offer what I put out though, she doesn't eat. At some point, it just gets crazy to offer tons of options to a child this young. I offer fruit and a grain cereal (not the sugary kind). Then we have some sort of protein option, like eggs or yogurt.
She feeds herself without a problem when she is hungry and interested so I have tried to stop "sneaking in bites" when she isn't paying attention. I know that those bites were more for my satisfaction than hers.
I clean up the floor, after documenting on the list posted on the fridge, the bites (usually about 5) that she has taken. I'm happy with that. We aren't breakfast eaters either. We call it quits for the morning. Mom packs a snack in the bag and we head to the
a)library b)playdate c)park d)walk e)stay home/no snack-packing needed

Phase 4. 10:45
Hungry. Maybe.
At this point in the day, Olivia will be content to eat whatever mom makes, mostly.
Most of it goes to Boone, our ever so obedient dog when food enters the picture.
But, like I think I said before, he does a stellar job cleaning the floor, so I put up with the canine, lovingly.
Olivia is great with routine. This, inevitably, will be the meal that consists of avocado, crackers, banana, raisins, and a small bit of carrot and/or apple. And, some Cheerios. And, some soymilk. I try to combine as many nutritious things into a bite as possible.

Yesterday the concoction was rice and whole wheat pasta with spinach, turkey, sweet potatoes, and soy cheese with marinara sauce. Messy, but yummy.

Happy Mama. CPS (Child Protective Services) stops knocking at my (sub-conscious) door asking if I am starving my child yet another day.

Happy Baby. Off running again.

Phase 5. 1:00
Breastfeeds in another awkward position, and goes to sleep in said awkward position.

Phase 6. 3:30
Olivia wakes up from her nap and is happy and energetic. This is where my mind thinks that Olivia will only be up for another 3.5 hours and therefore needs to get enough food in her little stomach so she will sleep through the night, just once, maybe.
We play and sometimes head out to seek some fun.

Phase 7. 5:30.
Dinner.
We have the grown up meal. We mush it up for Olivia, if needs be, or cut it up. We sit as a family while Olivia flings food all over the place, with little to no interest in ingesting the cuisine. Clean up crew is called in and the site premises is a catastrophe.

Phase 8. 6:15
Bath.

Phase 9. 7:00
Eating again.
One last try. Cheerios, maybe a little bit of avocado, and some nut butter. Perhaps a little bit of soymilk.
Nurses to sleep by 8.

Humor aside, it is very frustrating. By the end of these meals I am annoyed at the whole event am not fun again for a while. It just gets to me. The thing is, I love my food. I love eating. I look forward to it. I'm surprised I'm not obese. Really, I eat more than any of my past male counterparts and present. And then here is my daughter eating the quantity a small rodent would, but with particular preferences.

I'm starting to worry about it less and less though. She is healthy and active, and gaining weight. She wets enough diapers and has adequate messy diapers too. But, it is a struggle. I guess everyone has their different struggles. But, I really want to not treat it as a problem because kids are great at picking up those feelings.

Sometimes, we have really great days full of eating. I notice that on those days it is when she is distracted with the activity of other kids (while on a play-date) where she just eats and eats. So, I think that we are getting better at the whole eating thing.
For example, today, Olivia ate a whole piece of home-baked bread (I didn't make it). Before that I fed her some chicken and banana, so we had a great lunch today, in my book.

Like they say, it's all just a phase. Before I know it, she'll be eating everything, probably. Fingers crossed. Ugh.
The thing is, that sometimes, we cave. We offer her junk food when we are around it. French fries. Chocolate. Maybe once a week in small quantities. But, I am not going to be one of the Americans that offers sugar cereal and claim that's all she'll eat. Oatmeal. Rice cereal. Cheerios, bread, a bagel? Sure. She loves sweets and salty foods but I'm not going down that slippery path just so she will eat. I think that would be just as dangerous as distracting. I mean, who eats cakes or french fries because they are actually hungry? Nobody!