Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Birdie
Ok. It's one at night. I hate myself for finishing the birdie. I recalled having read that someone posted she needed 10 minutes for sewing a bird. The whole point why I had started it tonight. For the past hour I kept telling myself: this will be finished quickly. Well, not really. Maybe next time I'll use the sewing machine and not hand-stitch. We collected lots of nice branches today. Equals: I got to make lots more now...
Being tolerant
I just had one of the most intense motherhood moments this afternoon. I'm afraid, not in a good way. And not related to Lenara (that's the good part about it). Being a mother in fact not only means having a child, trying to be the best mother you can be and trying to handle all the new challenges this brings to your own life (marriage, grandparents, work, money, free time... and and and). That's one part - for sure. But there's another part, which sometimes leads me into a deep inner-conflict. Namely:
Interacting with other Moms.
Last summer when I was talking to one of my friends, who is not a mother, I said something that provoked a lot of irritation and incomprehension on the opposing side of the table. Without thinking much about it, I stated something like: "It's hard to be friends with people who have a completely different understanding or philosophy of the way they raise their children. So in the end you tend to be friends with parents who share a common philosophy. Which might also cause an alienation to former friends." After her shocked reaction I got very confused and worried about myself. Ever since, once in a while this conversation crosses my mind and I ask myself: Am I too intolerant and judging people in a way I shouldn't?
Today I went for a walk with Lenara. We really had a good time - walking, jumping, singing, collecting wood for the bird mobile. Then we bumped into another mother with her daughter, who is about 9 months older than Lenara. We had introduced ourselves last summer as coincidentally we had bumped into each other a couple of times in a row. We hadn't seen them for months, so we were excited to see them again. We chatted for a while and the girls warmed up to one another - playing catch around us after a while. Very amusing to watch. And I - feeling socially isolated sometimes - was excited to bump into someone and realize - there actually are people nearby who are interested in us.
To make this story a bit shorter: the longer we talked the more I kept realizing that I don't agree with everything she said and that slowly the feeling of being annoyed started predominating the original feeling of being excited. But the longer we talked, the more the girls enjoyed each other. Which ended in the other Mom inviting us over to their house - which we were basically standing in front of. The feeling of being thrilled about someone spontaneously inviting us over predominated the feeling of being annoyed for a second. In we went.
Lenara was all excited about the other girls' many many toys. The huge problem was, that as soon as we were inside, the other girl turned from friendly to possesive and refused to share her toys. She took away every toy Lenara touched. She wanted to sit on the chair Lenara was sitting on and so on. I know it's a phase the little ones go through figuring out "mine & your's" - alright. This was the first time, Lenara (and I) were faced with such a strong reaction (including screaming, crying, pushing, throwing things).
First I felt sorry for Lenara, who got more insecure with every minute. Usually she gets scared when other children cry (Lenara herself never really cries unless she's in pain). This time she just seemed very puzzled and thinking about what she had done wrong. I tried to back her up by telling her that she had done nothing wrong and next time we would have to ask her friend, if we could use this or that toy and find an agreement. But the other girl was taken away by her emotions. And it's not like I can't understand. If my Mom would bring home a friend I hardly know with her daughter, who both mothers are complimenting overwhelmingly and she'd be taking my car or using my computer without my permission, I'd be furious too. Even more when my Mom was telling me, I would be the one who's wrong.
Anyway, I tried to think of a way to calm the situation down. From experience talking, being precise and pointing out options has always helped so far. I know I could have explained Lenara easily that she should take another toy, because her friend was having difficulties with sharing right now. Or I suggested that they take turns. Or play together. Or she should show Lenara how to use this or that. Or that the other girl should pick one toy that Lenara could play with, so she could keep control for now and slowly adjust to a common playing environment. As much as I agree the older girl has to learn sharing, I think it's important that Lenara starts learning that she can't just take things, but she has to ask and realize not everyone is willing to share all the time. Dealing with disappointment and frustration is part of life and she'll have to get used to handling it. The best I can do is to chaperon this process instead of avoiding it or solving it for her. Either we would have found a good solution for everyone, or if nothing would have helped, we would have left in order not to over-extend the kids' capacity of taking such an emotional emergency and we could have come back another time. Probably the other girl would have been disappointed then (as I know she likes to have friends over), and maybe have learnt the lesson: not sharing = not playing together. Just to give you an idea about the way I judged the situation.
But the other mother kept yelling at her girl. At a volume that left a ring in my ear. Ignoring all my ways of trying to negotiate with the girl, giving her attention and serving as a mediator leaving the problem on the girls' level. Instead the mother told her daughter she would be evil, she wouldn't want her as a daughter like that, she wouldn't recognize her, she would be the older one and expected to share with the baby (don't you call my girl baby!) and her (the Mom) would be crying, if she didn't give Lenara the toy (what? It might have helped to stick to the truth - Lenara was sad, she was the one close to crying). Then again she switched to hugging and kissing her, asking her to be a good girl. Right before sending her off to her room for such misbehaviour and crying. How confusing, painful and emberassing that must be!
I just realize how hard this is to explain while I'm writing it down. Does it make any sense?
The other Mom I guess was emberassed of her daughter's behaviour, trying to teach a lesson and trying to protect Lenara. She only involved herself and her daughter in the conflict, without giving us a chance to interact and solve the problem among the 4 of us - whereas it actually should have remained a problem between the two girls. But as she was ignoring Lenara's reaction and everything I suggested, she simply avoided a real solution in my eyes. This was leading nowhere.
Plus, I felt treated disrespectfully myself by being ignored - as an individual and as my role as Lenara's mother. In my eyes we as parents should teach the children how to handle those situations in a good way. How to handle those intense emotions - that are just part of growing up. All she did was accusing her daughter in front of us in a way that I thought was inappropriate - using words that I thought are inappropriate.
I know I'm very sensitive (maybe over-sensitive) about this issue after having heard so much about the results of such behaviour at the psychotherapy hospital and having read psychological books (which include some of the phrases she used in the exact same words).
So I found myself in a really bad situation: in a room full of bad energy, trying to protect Lenara, trying to protect the other girl, trying to find a solution, trying not to accuse the other mother, wishing Lenara wouldn't have to witness all of that, feeling insecure myself about this kind of situation, trying to be polite to the host, trying not to judge.
Trying to be tolerant.
When we got home, my hands were shaking. That's how intense this experience was. I know it's not my right to judge or interfere in the way someone raises their child (why not acutally? Bc in our culture raping someone physically is condemned, but raping someone with words is not?). I know there are reasons for this mother to act this way. I know she has a different cultural background and has had some hard parts in her life (who hasn't though?!). Also I do not know the history of their mother-daughter-conflict. I know she loves her child and only wants the best for her. I know my solutions are not always the best either. I haven't had this problem with my own daugther yet, who knows how I would or will react then. I know I'm not a perfect mother either. I know I can't prevent Lenara from witnessing such scenes. I know.
Yet, it's my choice not to spend an afternoon with them again.
q.e.d.
Interacting with other Moms.
Last summer when I was talking to one of my friends, who is not a mother, I said something that provoked a lot of irritation and incomprehension on the opposing side of the table. Without thinking much about it, I stated something like: "It's hard to be friends with people who have a completely different understanding or philosophy of the way they raise their children. So in the end you tend to be friends with parents who share a common philosophy. Which might also cause an alienation to former friends." After her shocked reaction I got very confused and worried about myself. Ever since, once in a while this conversation crosses my mind and I ask myself: Am I too intolerant and judging people in a way I shouldn't?
Today I went for a walk with Lenara. We really had a good time - walking, jumping, singing, collecting wood for the bird mobile. Then we bumped into another mother with her daughter, who is about 9 months older than Lenara. We had introduced ourselves last summer as coincidentally we had bumped into each other a couple of times in a row. We hadn't seen them for months, so we were excited to see them again. We chatted for a while and the girls warmed up to one another - playing catch around us after a while. Very amusing to watch. And I - feeling socially isolated sometimes - was excited to bump into someone and realize - there actually are people nearby who are interested in us.
To make this story a bit shorter: the longer we talked the more I kept realizing that I don't agree with everything she said and that slowly the feeling of being annoyed started predominating the original feeling of being excited. But the longer we talked, the more the girls enjoyed each other. Which ended in the other Mom inviting us over to their house - which we were basically standing in front of. The feeling of being thrilled about someone spontaneously inviting us over predominated the feeling of being annoyed for a second. In we went.
Lenara was all excited about the other girls' many many toys. The huge problem was, that as soon as we were inside, the other girl turned from friendly to possesive and refused to share her toys. She took away every toy Lenara touched. She wanted to sit on the chair Lenara was sitting on and so on. I know it's a phase the little ones go through figuring out "mine & your's" - alright. This was the first time, Lenara (and I) were faced with such a strong reaction (including screaming, crying, pushing, throwing things).
First I felt sorry for Lenara, who got more insecure with every minute. Usually she gets scared when other children cry (Lenara herself never really cries unless she's in pain). This time she just seemed very puzzled and thinking about what she had done wrong. I tried to back her up by telling her that she had done nothing wrong and next time we would have to ask her friend, if we could use this or that toy and find an agreement. But the other girl was taken away by her emotions. And it's not like I can't understand. If my Mom would bring home a friend I hardly know with her daughter, who both mothers are complimenting overwhelmingly and she'd be taking my car or using my computer without my permission, I'd be furious too. Even more when my Mom was telling me, I would be the one who's wrong.
Anyway, I tried to think of a way to calm the situation down. From experience talking, being precise and pointing out options has always helped so far. I know I could have explained Lenara easily that she should take another toy, because her friend was having difficulties with sharing right now. Or I suggested that they take turns. Or play together. Or she should show Lenara how to use this or that. Or that the other girl should pick one toy that Lenara could play with, so she could keep control for now and slowly adjust to a common playing environment. As much as I agree the older girl has to learn sharing, I think it's important that Lenara starts learning that she can't just take things, but she has to ask and realize not everyone is willing to share all the time. Dealing with disappointment and frustration is part of life and she'll have to get used to handling it. The best I can do is to chaperon this process instead of avoiding it or solving it for her. Either we would have found a good solution for everyone, or if nothing would have helped, we would have left in order not to over-extend the kids' capacity of taking such an emotional emergency and we could have come back another time. Probably the other girl would have been disappointed then (as I know she likes to have friends over), and maybe have learnt the lesson: not sharing = not playing together. Just to give you an idea about the way I judged the situation.
But the other mother kept yelling at her girl. At a volume that left a ring in my ear. Ignoring all my ways of trying to negotiate with the girl, giving her attention and serving as a mediator leaving the problem on the girls' level. Instead the mother told her daughter she would be evil, she wouldn't want her as a daughter like that, she wouldn't recognize her, she would be the older one and expected to share with the baby (don't you call my girl baby!) and her (the Mom) would be crying, if she didn't give Lenara the toy (what? It might have helped to stick to the truth - Lenara was sad, she was the one close to crying). Then again she switched to hugging and kissing her, asking her to be a good girl. Right before sending her off to her room for such misbehaviour and crying. How confusing, painful and emberassing that must be!
I just realize how hard this is to explain while I'm writing it down. Does it make any sense?
The other Mom I guess was emberassed of her daughter's behaviour, trying to teach a lesson and trying to protect Lenara. She only involved herself and her daughter in the conflict, without giving us a chance to interact and solve the problem among the 4 of us - whereas it actually should have remained a problem between the two girls. But as she was ignoring Lenara's reaction and everything I suggested, she simply avoided a real solution in my eyes. This was leading nowhere.
Plus, I felt treated disrespectfully myself by being ignored - as an individual and as my role as Lenara's mother. In my eyes we as parents should teach the children how to handle those situations in a good way. How to handle those intense emotions - that are just part of growing up. All she did was accusing her daughter in front of us in a way that I thought was inappropriate - using words that I thought are inappropriate.
I know I'm very sensitive (maybe over-sensitive) about this issue after having heard so much about the results of such behaviour at the psychotherapy hospital and having read psychological books (which include some of the phrases she used in the exact same words).
So I found myself in a really bad situation: in a room full of bad energy, trying to protect Lenara, trying to protect the other girl, trying to find a solution, trying not to accuse the other mother, wishing Lenara wouldn't have to witness all of that, feeling insecure myself about this kind of situation, trying to be polite to the host, trying not to judge.
Trying to be tolerant.
When we got home, my hands were shaking. That's how intense this experience was. I know it's not my right to judge or interfere in the way someone raises their child (why not acutally? Bc in our culture raping someone physically is condemned, but raping someone with words is not?). I know there are reasons for this mother to act this way. I know she has a different cultural background and has had some hard parts in her life (who hasn't though?!). Also I do not know the history of their mother-daughter-conflict. I know she loves her child and only wants the best for her. I know my solutions are not always the best either. I haven't had this problem with my own daugther yet, who knows how I would or will react then. I know I'm not a perfect mother either. I know I can't prevent Lenara from witnessing such scenes. I know.
Yet, it's my choice not to spend an afternoon with them again.
q.e.d.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Quiet/ Busy Book
Like I saw on homemadebyjill.blogspot.com, a quiet book can be a lifesaver in traffic, office, or church. So, I'm starting to make a simple one for Olivia. Here are the first two pages I completed tonight.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Perception Management
Being a mom can be alienating, confusing, and frustrating.
I just wanted to get that out there. Sometimes, I feel that way. Not all the time, not frequently, but occasionally. It's usually when I feel like I am not getting support that I self alienate even more and then I get confused and then, frustrated. It's a great trio. Usually followed by lots of chocolate. Dark, delicious chocolate.
I feel lots of feelings as I raise another human being. And, I thought that everyone assumed that I am vulnerable to these feelings.
But, apparently not. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she likes the pictures that I post on facebook, but that they are only part of the picture, and went on to say something along the thought that I was managing perceptions. Alluding to, that I only show the fun and happy times.
Maybe I'm sensitive. But, what does that mean? Am I one of those people who magnifies the positive and tries to erase the negative? But, to me, I seem so realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. So, I doubt that. (See what I mean?)
Anyway, this is my attempt at proving normality. My first attempt, and the recent circumstantial evidence on my iPhone.
Feelings. I've got them. Even though David says he's only seen me cry once. (Doesn't he mean once a month?) To you, my dear friend, I want you to know that I get terrified and in cold sweats sometimes worrying about an untimely demise or unforseen danger, or who she could be entrusted to if we had an untimely demise. I try to think of everything that I can do to protect her and provide a great environment for the darling.
All of these thoughts are fleeting, but they do occur (always untimely), like while we are making bread or perhaps while I'm nursing her to sleep. Olivia is so precious, and she means the world to me. I take pictures then. I take pictures when I feel frustrated and have to breathe, and laugh, or else I'd cry sometimes. But, how could I get mad, she's so darn fun. And, there's usually a pretty good reason why she does the things she does. Like, wanting to play peek a boo with the mat under the dog dish. Or learning about floating, sinking, and absorbing in the dog's dishes for the millionth day in a row.
A great sense of humor. A good reminder to laugh.
It was easy to clean up.
Boone is hairy and I clean up more after Boone than I do Olivia. Or, at least it feels like it. But, the flip side is that he loves Olivia and we love him.
Creating learning experiences is messy. For the both of us.
Overall, I feel good. I love my life. The downs as well. I think that is the picture that I want to paint, more than anything else. I strive to be a better me. I get lost sometimes about what that means when I follow my head but my heart is always constant about seeking happiness and maintaining some sort of clumsy composure. I guess that what I want to say is that I'm not the girl who poses an iPad in the background to brag or intentionally posting pictures of "only the good stuff", but who takes pictures when in an argument or having a rotten day? I can, if that's what it takes. You aren't the one who said the comment about 'perception management' but I want to be real with you. And, I think I am. I think. But, being a good friend, and with this being an open forum, I thought it would be a good discussion place about the many FEELINGS and the unpretty amidst all the BEAUTY that comes with motherhood. And, that it's okay, in my opinion to document the good because that's what is worth remembering.
I want to hear from my mom that she was exhausted sometimes, but I don't want to read about it, every time she was. Ya know? You know!
I know you know!
So, when you feel a flood of emotions or when I do, let's post about it. But, without suppression or perception management, let's sew and explore and create until our hearts content. That's what I'm all about.
Is this even making sense? I sure hope so.
Dear friend, I'm a wreck sometimes. Next time, I'll take a picture! : )
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I just wanted to get that out there. Sometimes, I feel that way. Not all the time, not frequently, but occasionally. It's usually when I feel like I am not getting support that I self alienate even more and then I get confused and then, frustrated. It's a great trio. Usually followed by lots of chocolate. Dark, delicious chocolate.
I feel lots of feelings as I raise another human being. And, I thought that everyone assumed that I am vulnerable to these feelings.
But, apparently not. One of my dearest friends told me this week that she likes the pictures that I post on facebook, but that they are only part of the picture, and went on to say something along the thought that I was managing perceptions. Alluding to, that I only show the fun and happy times.
Maybe I'm sensitive. But, what does that mean? Am I one of those people who magnifies the positive and tries to erase the negative? But, to me, I seem so realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. So, I doubt that. (See what I mean?)
Anyway, this is my attempt at proving normality. My first attempt, and the recent circumstantial evidence on my iPhone.
Feelings. I've got them. Even though David says he's only seen me cry once. (Doesn't he mean once a month?) To you, my dear friend, I want you to know that I get terrified and in cold sweats sometimes worrying about an untimely demise or unforseen danger, or who she could be entrusted to if we had an untimely demise. I try to think of everything that I can do to protect her and provide a great environment for the darling.
All of these thoughts are fleeting, but they do occur (always untimely), like while we are making bread or perhaps while I'm nursing her to sleep. Olivia is so precious, and she means the world to me. I take pictures then. I take pictures when I feel frustrated and have to breathe, and laugh, or else I'd cry sometimes. But, how could I get mad, she's so darn fun. And, there's usually a pretty good reason why she does the things she does. Like, wanting to play peek a boo with the mat under the dog dish. Or learning about floating, sinking, and absorbing in the dog's dishes for the millionth day in a row.
A great sense of humor. A good reminder to laugh.
It was easy to clean up.
Boone is hairy and I clean up more after Boone than I do Olivia. Or, at least it feels like it. But, the flip side is that he loves Olivia and we love him.
Creating learning experiences is messy. For the both of us.
Overall, I feel good. I love my life. The downs as well. I think that is the picture that I want to paint, more than anything else. I strive to be a better me. I get lost sometimes about what that means when I follow my head but my heart is always constant about seeking happiness and maintaining some sort of clumsy composure. I guess that what I want to say is that I'm not the girl who poses an iPad in the background to brag or intentionally posting pictures of "only the good stuff", but who takes pictures when in an argument or having a rotten day? I can, if that's what it takes. You aren't the one who said the comment about 'perception management' but I want to be real with you. And, I think I am. I think. But, being a good friend, and with this being an open forum, I thought it would be a good discussion place about the many FEELINGS and the unpretty amidst all the BEAUTY that comes with motherhood. And, that it's okay, in my opinion to document the good because that's what is worth remembering.
I want to hear from my mom that she was exhausted sometimes, but I don't want to read about it, every time she was. Ya know? You know!
I know you know!
So, when you feel a flood of emotions or when I do, let's post about it. But, without suppression or perception management, let's sew and explore and create until our hearts content. That's what I'm all about.
Is this even making sense? I sure hope so.
Dear friend, I'm a wreck sometimes. Next time, I'll take a picture! : )
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Catonsville, Maryland
Sorry,...
I know I'm turning this into a sewing blog. It's not my intention - sorry! I promise to post some more parenting issues soon. I guess our skiing break made me miss my sewing machine just a little too much. ;) What's up with you guys? Busy?
Valentine's Pillowcase Dress
It turned out really narrow as the biggest piece I got out of the shirt wasn't quite as big as I had hoped it to be. According to my measurements it should fit Lenara (tightly), but I'm really nervous (She will only be back home in two hours). I couldn't decide whether to put one of those big buttons on the lower part or the felt heart. I'm not sure, what happens, if you put the felt heart in the washing machine. I ended up using both and putting a press button on the heart, so I can take it off for washing. I figured she might lose the heart, if I put velcro on it, which was my first idea. Let's see how long this stays on... fingers crossed for this dress fitting her.
It's a shame, I missed a really nice sunny afternoon. But... this idea had been on my mind all night (we have been up half of the night, as Lenara had a really bad tummy ache) - and I just HAD to get it out there. I want some good sleep tonight. LOL.
added later:
I get her into it, but I don't really like the slim look. Looks like an apron. Thanks for posing though, Lenara, even though you were so tired... poor little girl.
Maybe we'll still get used to this look. Who knows.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
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